24 hours until my last posting in the US

In 24 hours, I will be posting my last blog from the comforts of my bedroom- at least until mid-July. In 24 hours, I will have 3 hours before I'm at the airport. In 24 hours, I will be... what? I don't know, yet. I could be anxious, I could be excited, I could be tired, I could be... have I already exhausted the possibilities? Oh wait, no, there's FEAR! lol... Forgot about that one.. maybe that's a good sign. I met with my sponsor today and when she asked me if the fear was gone, I said that it was, at least for this end of the journey. I said that I feel like I'm waiting in the air terminal- any fear I may have is at the other end of the flight. But even then, I don't feel truthful saying that there IS fear. I'm ready. 

I'm so god-damn cheesy- I just now put on Celine Dion so I could hear, "What do you say to taking chances? What do you say to jumping off the edge, never knowing if there's solid ground below, a hand to hold, or hell to pay; what do you say?" I'm feeling it, SISTER, I'm FEELING it! What do you say to grabbing life by the balls and squeezing the hell out of them? Sure, why not.

Today I paid my first month's rent and orientation and some food costs for Senegal. I also decided to take another bag so that I can fill it with goodies for the trip home. Gosh, that's really pretty much all that I did today! lol.. I had dinner with a friend, watched a movie, went to a meeting, and now I'm here, blogging. Oh yes, dinner! We ate at this Somali restaurant around the corner- it was soooooo good! And our waiter was just the sweetest boy. So sweet. It was interesting because originally we were going to walk to this Chinese place that's further down the street, but as we were passing this Somali restaurant, something in my mind clicked over and said, no, you're gonna eat here tonight. Almost as soon as we sat down, a huge group of Somali teens came in to dine. They were so beautifully proud and self-confident. All well dressed. And they displayed a connection to each other that mirrors the connection I have with my friends; it's like they were their own little army, just like we are our own little gay mafia that invades the Suburban Stepford wives' favorite restaurant every Friday night. There was cohesiveness; a magnetic force-field. Anyway, I appreciated it. And, I caught a glimpse of what it will feel like to be the only white guy. It didn't feel much different from being the only gay guy at times. In fact, it may have felt the same. But, like I said, that was just a glimpse- the real thing will probably be different. But maybe not so different. We shall see.

Ok, so that was today. I don't think I have anything else. I do want to capture my emotional state, though for future reflection. So, I'll do that. I think I touched on it earlier when I referenced the air-terminal feeling. This is not new, though. I've been feeling this way the past few days. It's kind of like feeling gray, but not in a melancholic way. Nope, gray as in "middle-space" or gray matter; just kind of neutral. I almost said numb, but I think that's also too clinical sounding. Maybe this is what it feels like to be present? Or absent? Wow, I always thought the two would feel different, but now I'm not so sure. Intellectually, being present and absent are obviously different; it's not difficult to imagine how they would feel different. But what is this feeling? I can't decide. My gut feeling is to say it's being present. My evidence of this is the very act of writing this blog. If I were absent, I wouldn't even be asking these questions. Ok, so there you have it. Whew, feelings are so complicated sometimes! Geesh.. 

Off to bed now... a demain!