Back to my story about tonight- I had dinner with about 12 of my friends at Pizza Luce. They are amazing. I'm so blessed, really. I'm sad about not seeing them for 2 months. And I'm worried that this will be difficult because I've never done this before. I mean, when I went to Europe two years ago for 2 months, I was in a very different place then. For one, I hadn't formed as close of friendships with any of these people at that time. I was pretty well isolated- I did have friends, but not like now. I have more of them, and I'm used to seeing them several times a week. It's part of my routine. And I like my routine. I like being connected to them. So this will be hard I think. For another reason, two years ago at this time I simply wasn't in the same mental/emotional space I'm in now. I'm in a very good space right now, but then, all I wanted to do was run off to Europe and live some romanticized dream I had created for myself. But now, I feel like I have everything I need here. My mindset has changed as a result of working a program- before I wasn't really working a solid program, and I was suffering because of it. I didn't even WANT a program before (note, I'm referring to the 12 step program, but really you can also think of program=spirituality)- in fact, I had become so distant from it that I even began to believe I didn't need one. But I do need one, and I found this out about a year ago when life came crashing down around me. I guess to be precise about this though, I would have to say that my PERCEPTION of life came crashing down around me- life hadn't really changed. Basically, I was a dry drunk- like our president, Mr. Bush, and we know how un-pretty that is! I was pretty angsty to say the least. All of this is to describe how I'm feeling NOW about this experience, and how my state of being NOW is affecting how I perceive my upcoming trip to Senegal. In short, a very big part of me doesn't want to leave what I've gained in the last year- friendships, love, acceptance. But perhaps I'm being melodramatic about all this. It's not like I won't have internet or any other way of connecting with people. I did, afterall, just purchase unlimited Skype minutes! And, it's 2 months, not a lifetime. A-ha, I just had a realization about this- it's not the time or the fact of "leaving", but rather, being scared that I won't have them there with me when I encounter challenges to my serenity. A-ha! That is it. That is it exactly. But this is still relevant to everything that I've just said, and in fact, I think it makes a full circle here because what I've gained in the last year is the ability to depend on others in a way that I hadn't before. I've begun to practice the act of asking for help when it is needed and asking for things that I need. I've let down more of my barriers and become more vulnerable, and this in turn has strengthened my faith in, and love for, others. For some reason I've always thought that I needed to do for myself what others cannot do for themselves; that I needed to "figure myself out" and be my own "rock". For me though, what I've experienced lately is that I can be both things, or that rather, these two concepts are not separate- that in fact, for me, being my own "rock" means being able TRUST that others can do for me what I cannot do for myself. This is what works for me. Going to Senegal will be an opportunity to put that trust into motion so to speak and figure out how to maintain that without the routine that I'm so used to. So, if you're reading this, THANK YOU for this gift. It really is a gift- just like those VISA commercials, it's priceless. HAH! ok, I had to throw in sommmme humor. It was getting way too sentimental!
Ok, I think I've rambled enough... I'll go ahead and finish the rest of that icecream and then? Bed? It's almost 3am... I guess it's close enough.
A bientot mes amis! Je t'adore!
2 comments:
juice buzz it is!
you're friends are just as lucky to have you and will be waiting here in minneapolis for your return with open arms! i'm so excited for you! you are more prepared than you think to handle the adversity that MAY come your way, and yes we are just a phone call away. call me in the middle of the night/daytime there if need be. this blog will also be a great place to share your triumphs, of which i'm sure there are to be many m'amie.
Granted, this comes a little after the fact, and I am pretty sure you know this but never the less .... You have everything you need, right now, to be OK. Always have had, always will have. One of my favorite people reminds me often that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. Somehow that seems relevant. Love ya!!!
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