to be, or not to be?

Today I felt so much better than yesterday. Yemi and I walked to the grocery store at around noon, only to find that it was closed (we forgot that lots of things are closed on Sundays). So instead, we stopped at Chez Joe's for some schwarma (it's like pita bread stuffed with shredded beef and french fries and yummy sauce... to die for, in other words). On our way home, we stopped inside a parfumerie and sampled some of their perfumes and colognes. After sampling about 5, I decided on the first one that I tried- a sweet, musk scent with notes of vanilla and cotton-candy. Similar to Angel, by Thierry Mugler, but not as sweet. It's a huge bottle, and it only cost 6500 cfa's (roughly $16). I was a happy camper. Momma raised a good little shopper...

When we got home we changed into our swimsuits and walked over to Sayda's house. There, we met with Assane and two more of Sayda's nephews and we hitched a couple of taxis to Yoff beach (I know, I know, I promised I wouldn't go back there after the last incident, but it's their favorite beach..) We must have stayed there for a few hours... there were TONS of people... mostly Senegalese. And seriously, the men need to put some clothes on.. they are ridiculously well-built!! I think even if I did a gazillion push-ups every day I still could never have a chest like that... honestly, it's RIDICULOUS! Ah well, fun to admire anyway.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. So we were sitting there under the cabana after a little swim and Assane started asking Yemi if she wanted to find a man on the beach.. jokingly it seemed... so Yemi replied, yes, of course, and then posed the question to Assane, and he said yes, too, of course... and you can see where this is going... so then Assane asked me, "Ryan, you are searching for a woman here?" and Yemi and I both chuckled a bit, and before I could even respond, he asked, "Ryan, do you search for a man here?" This caught me so off-guard that I was actually a little pissed, so I shot back with, "You, Assane, do YOU want one?" The moment passed over with a few awkward laughs, and then we all acted like nothing had happened. But it was on my mind for the rest of the day. I wondered whether he was serious or if he was just kidding around. And then it came to me- I'm pretty sure he was dead serious and that he had been waiting for that opportunity. I realized this because I remembered how last week, when he was hanging out after serving us dinner, he asked if he could check his email on my computer. I said he could, and I let him do his thing. Well, about 3 minutes later, he called me over because he couldn't understand what the screen said (it was in English), and I saw that he had been trying to access his email account, but that instead it was MY email account that popped up (because I'm always signed into MSN.com) and there was an email there from gay.com. I wouldn't have thought much of this, but just a minute before this I had looked up at him and noticed a confused/surprised look on his face. Putting 2 and 2 together, I figured that he saw that, and that it triggered a whole process for him, like trying to remember if I'd ever said anything about women (presumably a natural topic of conversation for straight men- like the weather). Long story short, I think he knows.

I probably would have let this go as coincidence or joking, but then later tonight he said something again, asking me if I think the women here are beautiful. This was only after Yemi had expressed her views on the men here, and after he expressed the same for women here. And again, I gave sort of a sheepish, "sure, they're ok" kind of answer because I need to think about this some more. I need to really be sure that it will not cause any problems if I were to come out to him. And, would I ask him to keep it to himself? Or, if he said that it was ok to tell Sayda and her family, would I feel ok with that? What if it got further than that and people at the Baobab Center found out? Then what?

A big part of me just felt like saying, "yes, I prefer men." But, the tiny bit of conscientiousness I do have told me not to; at least not right now. It's a strange experience to be put back into the closet. I had forgotten what these concerns felt like. It's not a good place to be, and I'm grateful that I don't have to deal with this on a regular basis. It's a blessing to be gay in America; no matter how it compares to more progressive countries on gay rights, it's still a hell of a lot better than being gay in Senegal (and probably all of Africa).

Anyway, I'm going to consider coming out to Assane. I think it could be a really good experience. It might also be bad. But, this is what I need to weigh out.

Ok, that's all for tonight. I'm gonna get to bed early tonight and then try to work on my paper some more tomorrow. I have too many thoughts in my head that need to be put down in writing- then, and only then, will they start to come together. Goodnight!