Juice Buzz

my attempt to connect

2008-08-23T20:36:00.000-07:00

This morning I slept in until 9am- it was bliss. My window was open, and the wind brought in the nice, chilly, summer morning air. It swept over my bed and gently kissed my face. And I said, "Well, good morning there, sunshine.."

I met Billy at 10 to go to the gym, and we had an awesome 2 hour stint of lifting and cardio. After that I stopped on my way home to get a "congrats graduate" card for my friend, Philip, who has just completed his BA, and who was throwing a celebration party this night.

I got home from that and started a load of laundry. Then, I got on MSN Messenger to see if any friends were on. At first, no one was, but then Ali, my friend from Istanbul who let me stay with him and his wife for 2 weeks (2 years ago), signed on and we began a video cam conversation. It was great seeing him- I hadn't seen or talked to him in probably a year. Since then, he has had a baby boy, Atakan, with his wife, Emine. We had a short chat, and then Louis, from Senegal, called me, and I took his call. We talked for a bit, but then I had to get ready for Philip's graduation party.

When I arrived at the graduation party, I was about 2 hours late (well, not late, because really it was one of those "open house" type things), and there were about 15 people left. Supposedly 70 people had already come and gone. I was actually happy about this, as I wasn't feeling particularly social to begin with.

I stayed at the party for a few hours, and then decided to come home rather than go out to the bars with the guys. I'm not sure why the bars weren't appealing. I think I had already met my daily social quota.

I'm not sure where any of this is going, other than to bring me up to the present point. Now, I am in bed writing this blog and feeling like I have so much to say and not knowing where to begin, or what I feel comfortable sharing. It was easier in Africa because everything there was completely separate from my life here. But here, I feel like anything that I could write about in my blog could just as easily be written in, and may be more appropriate for, my journal. But then again, a big part of why I decided to keep this blog alive even after my trip to Africa was because I saw that it was an opportunity for me to share (and explore) a different, perhaps more intimate, side of myself.

That being said, I keep realizing that it has been a month and some days since I've been back in the US. It feels like it's been much longer, which is strange to me because I've been working hard since I've been back, and one would think that time wouldn't feel so long. But it has.

When I returned from Senegal, I had to help finalize a manuscript (which we submitted and was accepted to the journal, Self and Identity), do some data-analyses and create a symposium application for an upcoming conference, and begin recruitment efforts for the conflict-resolution study I've been preparing for years with my advisor, Marti. So you can see, there's been no time to sit around on my laurels, and yet the past month feels like a much larger chunk of time. I don't know what to make of this. I know one thing, though: I'm beginning to feel some pressure to stabilize and finish my graduate program so that I can move on to other things.

My feelings toward school have always been bipolar- I can love it one day, and hate it the next. Sometimes I love and hate it within the same day. The love comes up when I think about my work in Africa. The hate comes up when I realize how confused I am with my program and with not knowing what the next best course of action should be. Specifically, I am faced with the dilemma (for lack of a better word) of continuing what I did in Africa and trying to develop a dissertation idea from that (which could require more travel to, and research in, Africa) and choosing a topic that has already been handed to me (basically) but that I have no real interest in at all. If I choose the former, I can pretty much guarantee a graduation date past 2010 (which was my initial date of graduation (going by the popular "six year plan"). If I choose the latter, however, I can probably collect data faster and be out of here faster. But, like I said, I have no real interest in the latter. I mean, it's interesting, but I can't see myself spending hours and hours of concentration and effort to advance it. So that is one part of the dilemma; the other part is that I don't even know if it's possible to create a dissertation idea from the stuff I did in Senegal. I had hoped, from the very beginning, that it would be possible. Now, however, in the face of reality and the expectations held by my department, I'm just not sure it's wise to take the less traveled course.

shit, my eyes are falling asleep. I want to write more about all this, and I will, but for now, I have to shut my eyes and get to sleep.

adjusting

2008-07-25T07:55:00.000-07:00

Friday night fellowship and my birthday

2008-07-20T13:18:00.000-07:00

Birthday and welcome home shenanigans

2008-07-20T13:12:00.000-07:00

Thursday, I arrived. Christopher met me at the airport, and he took me home, where I discovered this beautiful bouquet of flowers he had waiting for me. Isn't that the sweetest? Christopher is the one below in the red shirt making the silly face. Brad is the one in blue. They shocked me with a birthday cake at the restaurant on Friday night (after the AA meeting).

Gratitude

2008-07-20T01:17:00.000-07:00

I feel like such a tool saying this, but I must: I have a tremendous sense of gratitude tonight. I don't always feel this way, as I'm not always living in the present (it's getting better, though), but tonight, I experienced such a treat. My friends, Christopher and Brad, had told me that they wanted to take me out to dinner, just the two of them, for my birthday (which was yesterday, but we had our AA meeting and then fellowship last night, so tonight made more sense for something like a birthday celebration). At first, I thought it was kind of odd- their request, that is- because we never do things with just 2-3 people here- it's always at least 5-7. But, I didn't think much of it. And then, when I asked where we were going, Christopher said, "well, I was kind of thinking Pizza Luce.. if that sounds good to you.." and I said, sure, why not, because I like pizza (and, by the way, this is where we had my going away dinner, too). Brad had asked to pick him up at 6 initially, then he called at 6 and asked for 7, and I asked him if I should call Christopher and whether he would also need a ride- he said he didn't know, and that Christopher hadn't returned his call earlier in the day. So at this point, if there was any inkling or suspicion that something might be going on (like a surprise party- which I had been hoping for, shamelessly), I had pretty much realized that nothing fishy was going on and that they were just being their ordinary selves. And, I have to admit, I was feeling a little disappointed after realizing this, as I had been, like I said, SHAMELESSLY hoping for some kind of welcome home surprise party (What? I've never had one before!).

By the time we arrived at Pizza Luce, I had surrendered my hopes, and was totally content with a low-key evening. But then, of course, as soon as we entered the restaurant, I saw everyone sitting there waiting for us! It was so wonderful- really, it was. I wish I could have shown a bit more excitement, but I was fatigued (jet-lag?) and hungry, so I tried my best. In spite of this, I was truly touched.

After dinner we went dancing, and boy, was it fun! I haven't had that much fun at the bar in a long time. Now it's almost 4am, I'm not really tired, and I'm getting a bit hungry. haha.. but, it's all good. I have work to do tomorrow before 4pm, so as long as I can put in a few hours, I should be ok. I have a stupid deadline on Monday night that I have to work towards, but I think I should have enough time to skid by. Anyway, I'm gonna get something to snack on now. But, tomorrow, or in the next few days, I will upload more photos of Senegal and my return, and I will continue to blog. In fact, I will continue blogging- indefinitely- as this has been a wonderful way for me to connect with so many people that I don't get to see on a regular basis. So, in other words, continue to stop by and read what's going on in my life, especially as I begin to process what Africa has meant to me, and as I begin to process and write my paper.

loves,

Ryan

The Wedding 2

2008-07-19T12:20:00.000-07:00

The Wedding

2008-07-19T11:54:00.000-07:00

continued from previous entry

2008-07-15T08:26:00.000-07:00

ok, sorry about that, but i had to let someone get on my computer for a second, so i posted what i had at the moment.

so last Thursday, Vicki left for Guinnea for the weekend. Yemi and I, of course, rejoiced, as the night before she had provoked some more Vicki-drama. For real, she is something else. But, i wont get into that here. suffice it to say its just her same old crap- she has no control over her impulses or her emotions, so if she is pissed, you better duck and cover. Thurs, Fri, Sat, and Sun were total bliss! me and yemi were able to just hang out around the house and chat on the balcony for hours, which we dont do usually because vicki is always out there [and bec of this, yemi and i usually stay in our rooms]

what did we do last weekend? i actually dont remember all that much bec it was pretty relaxing. Saturday, I spent 4 hours at Alousseynou's house for lunch and chat. he's an odd character. for most of the time he is pretty normal, and brilliant, but then he starts talking about this american woman he is obsessed with and suddenly it's like being in Fatal Attraction. seriously, i think he's stalking her. later that afternoon, i went to a wedding because Saida was catering for it and I volunteered to help out [it wasn't altruistic; free food and entertainment were involved!] i'll post pictures of this later.

Sunday was another kickback day, and then Sunday night we invited some friends over for a petite fète [little party]. that was nice. at midnight, everyone had left, and yemi and i went to bed before vicki got in.

Yesterday i finished my ''wolof philosophy'' book [the french book; yes, i'm very proud, indeed] and then i met some interesting characters for a fun, spontaneous afternoon of beachtime shenanigans.

that brings me to the present. gotta go, my credits are expiring

funky French keyboards

2008-07-15T08:15:00.000-07:00

haaayyy! i decided to hang out with a friend today in downtown Dakar, but its too damn hot, so we are taking a break in a cyber cafe. the keyboards here are in French style, so things arent where they normally are; so if i leave out punctuation or spell something odd, its because of that

ok, so the last time i wrote was on tuesday, and i believe i was exceptionally tired as a result of being immersed in French for 3 solid days. yes, thats correct. now i remember. therefore, i needed a break. so the next day i went to the beach with yemi and assane. i think earlier in the day i had tried going to a research center called CODESRIA, but they were having a big meeting, so i could not have access to their library. I did, however, find a cool bookstore around the corner and bought an english book, which was actually published by CODRESIA, on the state of social science research in Africa. its been a good book so far. its pretty militant about how social science research has failed africa so far because it has exploited Africa more than help Africa. so now, this book calls for a resurgence of new thinking in social science research to include African perspectives.

Time is going by too fast!

2008-07-15T00:57:00.000-07:00

I just realized that it's been a week since I've last blogged. My mom brought this to my attention- thanks momma! Time really is going by too fast, and I feel all I can do is slide along with it and try not to get caught up in the craziness of it all. It never fails, too, that when you're visiting somewhere, people wait until the very last minute to invite you over, etc. So, these last few days are not going to be filled with work- on the contrary, they will be filled with visiting and enjoying the remainder of my time here. That is, of course, if I can avoid feeling too much pressure to do "this and that."

I want to catch you up on the last week, but now I'm rushing to get out the door for a 10am meeting. I am tired, too, because the stray dog downstairs howled all night. But, it's going to be a good day, and I hope you have one, too.

really.. I'm tired

2008-07-08T14:28:00.000-07:00

The past couple of days have been both great and exhausting. One of my contacts here is an ombudsman (someone who helps two or more parties resolve a conflict- the term was new for me) at the University. Last week he introduced me to one of his students, Alousseynou, who has been by my side ever since. He's been a tremendous help to my research by providing ideas and other important contacts. But, at the same time, this has meant twice the amount of French I was normally speaking/listening and because of this, I really feel like my head is going to explode. I'm happy about it, but yeah, tired.

Yesterday, Alousseynou invited me to an organizational meeting for an upcoming conference/course on peacebuilding in Africa. The course is the same one I mentioned before, I think, that's going to be held in November, at the Baobab Center. It's going to be monumental, and I wish I could be here to witness. Basically, there's a popular peacebuilding program in the US called CONTACT. I think it was developed at U of Mass, Amherst. The premise of this program is that conflicts can be broken down into components- first, there's the individuals and the conflict, and these need to be separated. Then, the conflict can be broken down into three levels: the first level is the actual conflict, the second includes the different interests belonging to each party (e.g., wanting gas prices to be lower), and the third concerns the emotions and needs underlying the interests (e.g., fear, financial insecurity). Supposedly this is a very basic conflict resolution paradigm that is used all over the place with different names, although I think there is something unique to the CONTACT program that I just don't know about, yet. So, the point of this seminar is to develop a French equivalent of the CONTACT program for Francophone Africa, which includes about 16 countries mostly in West Africa.

The meeting, yesterday, was mostly to gain feedback from various stakeholders about the program and how they might improve it before November comes. It lasted for 3+ hours, which I was not expecting, and by the end of it, I was ready for a LONG nap. But, I went home and told Vicki about it and this turned into a passionate discussion about the potential harm that may be caused by activities like these. This requires some context to explain- so, let me first say that Vicki is a hardcore Africanist, which means that she is against any efforts in Africa that do not first take into account an African perspective. Before, when I had never thought about coming to Africa, I didn't know anything about this, but now, as I've read and talked to others, I'm in complete agreeance with Vicki. How does this relate to yesterday's meeting? Well, the conference/course they're going to put on in November is a 10 day course (literally, a course that will culminate in a certificate) for training professionals and students about CONTACT and how to become capable conflict mediators. There are various components to this course, such as how to mobilize others, but the core of it is to teach them this Western-developed method of conflict-resolution. Representatives from each of the 16 Francophone countries in West Africa will attend.

The problem with this approach is that Americans (the directors of Baobab Center) are taking an American developed theory of conflict-resolution and stamping it across Africa without asking Africans for their input. This is insulting and offensive to Africans, I think, and potentially harmful to traditional values and ways of being. Some of these concerns were raised yesterday, although with much greater tact and grace than I'm presenting here, and it was these concerns that spawned the passionate conversation with Vicki because she has known of this kind of stuff happening since the very beginning of colonialism, and, it doesn't seem to be ending any time soon. The African audience members repeatedly asked the question (more or less), "Why haven't you considered the indigenous mechanisms for peacemaking?" And there never really was an adequate response, other than, "yes, thank you for the suggestion," and, "we'll look into it." These weren't the exact words, but the meaning was conveyed. For me, I find it a little too eery that I am here doing research on the traditional mechanisms of peacemaking in Africa. And, because of this, I am also enraged by this lack of concern for indigenous mechanisms because I have learned first-hand what some of these are, and, I think, they could be very useful to explore for everyone (i.e., not just Africans).

Anyway, I could go on and on about this, but what I really wanted to say about yesterday is that I had a spiritual experience (oh dear, yes, I did just write that) while I was sitting there listening. All I can really say to describe it is that everything seemed to come together at once; everything made sense to me at the moment; I felt an odd, almost uncomfortable, no, definitely uncomfortable, feeling of being aware and conscious of the fact that I was exactly where I was supposed to be at that very moment. THERE- that's it. I was struggling to find the words, but I think that last sentence grabs it. I can't underscore the discomfort enough- it was eery, really. But, at the same time, it was also pretty damn cool.

You know what's funny about this, though? I still don't know why any of this is happening. I don't know why I'm here, why I'm doing what I'm doing. It's actually kind of frustrating- no, very frustrating, because I know it's right, but I don't know why, yet. And today, while I was meeting some more new people (I'll explain later), I got downright pissed and asked in my head, "Seriously?!?! Why is any of this necessary? Why am I here?!?!" But, of course, things don't work like that- I won't get my answer if I'm demanding it now. The world doesn't work according to my time, but I wish it did. And you know what, I'm too damn tired to continue writing, even though I have more to say about today. Shit. But I'm feeling good about things, just to be clear. I'm tired, that's all. So, for now, be well. nite nite.

I choose chocolate and serenity!

2008-07-05T14:57:00.000-07:00

I'm such an old fart.. you know I'm turning 26 in a few weeks? July 18th, actually (in case you wanted to throw me a surprise birthday/welcome home party.. *wink wink*). I don't actually feel old, but I AM staying home on a Saturday night, and feeling perfectly ok with it, which makes me feel like I MUST be old. Or maybe not. But wait, I just put on Sade and am eating chocolate, too. DAMN!

No, I'm not old, I'm just taking care of myself. I had the option of going to this big crazy dance party, but it just didn't appeal to me. I had dinner with Vicki, Yemi, and Armin (he's back in Dakar for the night.. picking up his mother at the airport tomorrow and driving back to Touba Couda)- we ate out tonight, it was on Vicki, and it was great. And, all I wanted to do when I got home was talk to my sponsor (which I did), and eat some chocolate. Earlier, I actually wanted to go out, because I was feeling stir-crazy, but now, eh.. it's too much effort. Jeans, fitting shirt, shoes.. why would I want to do all that when I can schleppe around here in my cozy bou-bou and flip-flops? Exactly. And they don't even get the party started here until at least 1am, which is my bedtime anyway. So, no, thank you very much, I choose chocolate and serenity. And Sade. You know, she has really stood the test of time, don't you think? Seriously, talk about some smooth music.. she's your lady. Well, she's mine at least. Really good for hot, sultry weather.

So today, we woke up early and went to the weaving market. Vicki had been telling us about this since we got here, and yes, it was pretty cool to see. Apparently it's been funded by Catholic Charities, and it saved a dying Guinean tradition (Guinea-Bissau is another country in West Africa). The weavers were hard at work when we arrived- I'll try to take pictures of some other weaving to give you an idea what the process looks like. They have these LONG (maybe 5 meters) of several threads, and they use these wooden block things to weave the thread together.. ok, whatever, I can't describe it! I tried, but I'll just take a picture.

After the weaver market, we went grocery shopping. It was fun, but obnoxious, too. I love grocery shopping, but things have changed in our group such that it's not as enjoyable, and in fact, it's downright complicated. You see, when Armin was here, we were doing everything communal, where someone would front the entire shopping bill. Then, at the end of the month, we collected receipts and swapped money to whoever it was owed to so that we each paid the same amount for the whole month's food. But when Armin left, Yemi asserted herself and said that she didn't eat the food that we ate, and so it wasn't fair to pay the same. Ok, I get it. Cool. But there are SOME things that she does eat, like cheese, jam, bread, etc.- just not the extras like snacky food. So, I was cool about her stepping up like that- in fact, I was proud of her. But, and here's the big but, she is too wishy washy about the things that she does like, so that when we went grocery shopping today, I ended up with some things (communal and personal), and she couldn't give me a straight answer about what she would end up eating (out of the communal pile). So it's annoying because I'm fronting the bill, and when it comes time to collect, it is literally going to be like, "so, what did you eat and how much of it?" which is just really obnoxious. Vicki called it "penny-and-diming it" and I agree. It would be so much easier to go communal and then to make sure you eat your portion of whatever is bought. I don't think it's much to ask. But, she hasn't lived with anyone before (she still lives at home), and I don't think she realizes how this agitates group harmony. And if she does, she doesn't care, which is another younthful trait. Which, whatever, it's all good. I know she's doing the best she can with what she has right now, and I'm sure I have annoying quirks, too. But mine aren't AS annoying! hah! right...

Post-grocery shopping adventure, we came home for a bit and I took a nap. Armin rang the doorbell at 2-ish and we welcomed him home for the day. Then, at 4, we met Saida at the fabric market. She, of course, took charge right then and there and got us what we needed/wanted. We were out of there in less than an hour, and that's no small feat in a maze of eager vendors!

That was my day pretty much. I'm now at the end of my Sade record, and I've downed two pieces of chocolate. I am out of words. Oh wait, did I mention the delicious pastry shop (a "Patisserie") we found the other day??? Oh my!!! I think I forgot to tell you! Well, it was fantastic- only a 15 minute walk from home, and it has the best pastry I've found here. I had a little cake thing that was layered with cream-cheesy yummy yummy stuff, a croissant filled with chocolate, and a croissant filled with almond paste. If the French can claim any goodness from being here, it is leaving behind these patisseries. Who cares if it contributes to heart disease and diabetes!

And on that note, I should definitely end this blog entry before I say something really delirious. Sweet dreams to me! yay!

French

2008-07-03T15:38:00.000-07:00

My sister commented on my blog today with a question about my French comprehension and whether I'm dreaming in French yet. I'm not.

But, I had a light-bulb moment the other day when I realized how much my French has improved. I was on the phone setting an appointment with a French speaker, and Vicki overheard the conversation and told me later how dramatically better it (my french) had become since the beginning of this trip. After her saying this, I thought it about some more, and I had this "a-ha!" moment of "yes, it really HAS gotten easier, and better!" I think the interviews have helped a lot, and also hanging out with Assane and his family. And, today, I was translating a book into English and it got to the point where it was actually ENJOYABLE! That, I thought, would NEVER happen. Up to this point, I had hated it because it was so damn tedious looking up every word. But now, I may look up the same amount of words, but I'm comprehending the context and meaning so much more. It's really fun, actually. Anyway, that's cool, and thought I should share- if anything, it's hope for anyone else who thinks it's impossible. I definitely did, at least for me. So, yay!!

ok, the power is out, and my computer battery is about to die, so I better post this now!

crunch time

2008-07-03T05:42:00.000-07:00

I am finally writing again! It's been too long. The days here have been going by fast lately, as I'm trying to cram in as much research as possible in the last two weeks. This is good, for me, because I really cannot wait to be home! The heat here is getting pretty obnoxious- each night is like sitting in a sauna. Well, ok, maybe not that bad, but it is pretty humid, and I'm never dry. More importantly though, I just miss people, places, and things. I'm actually checking out WCCO Minneapolis tv station to watch some news. Anyway, blah blah blah, just turned off the WCCO- wasn't doing it for me!

The last couple of weeks have been really interesting in terms of the work I've been doing. I interviewed my first student early last week, and it went really well. He spoke some English, which helped when I got confused with his French. And, he seemed to understand my interview questions throughout, so that was also good news. He was really sweet about it- he invited me over to his apartment (it's actually a large house), where he lives with 15 other students (I think two guys share each room), and when I got there he ran downstairs to the little market to purchase some Fanta soda. He came back, poured me a cup, and we started the interview. It lasted for about 90 minutes. When we were finished, we sort of just hung out for another hour or so, and he introduced me to the other students living there and told them all about my research so that I could interview them as well. Since then, I've been going back there almost every afternoon to interview 1 or 2 more students. Each time I go over there, we all hang out for an hour or so, then I get started with the interview, then we take an hour break, and then I start another interview, and then we hang out for another couple of hours. So, each time is a BIG time commitment, but that's just how it is here- you don't rush things. In the states, participants would be happy to kick you out of their house, but here, it's preferable to build some sense of rapport with them.

Spending all this time at Adama's house has been a learning experience itself, aside from the research. I can't articulate what it is that I'm learning over there, but I imagine that whatever it is (culture?) it will end up seeping through my paper when I write it up, which I think is a good thing. Personally, of course, it's also nice being able to relate and build relationships with these guys. In terms of actual research experiences, it's been a great learning experience for me because I'm finding out that there are problems with my interview protocol. These problems would have been impossible to foresee, however, as I'm only seeing them now in the process of interviewing. For example, there are some questions that confuse some of the guys, and I've been giving some thought about how else I might ask them, and even more important, thinking more clearly about WHY I'm asking them. There's a specific question, for example, that asks, in general, what kinds of conflicts can one experience in daily Senegalese life? The response is typically the same as the statement I give before we begin the interview, which basically gives the context of the types of conflicts I'm interested in (e.g., conflicts within and between families, between friends and strangers, between work colleagues, etc). In other words, they'll say that conflicts are possible in families and in friendships. But, when I ask for specific examples, they struggle to find any. There are a few possibilities for this discrepancy- first, it could be that they don't feel comfortable giving me examples because they might think I'm using this research to show how conflict-ridden they are (which I'm not); second, it could be that they don't remember conflicts well because it is so ingrained in their culture to let go of them (I like this explanation the most); or third, it could be... hmmm... what else... I know I had another explanation for this, but for some reason I'm drawing a blank now. Ah well, you get the point- I don't know why there is a discrepancy between their responses, but it does provide for some interesting follow-up. I might even ask Adama if he knows why.

Oh, that just made me wonder if there's also a difference between those who are more traditional and those who are more Westernized. I thought of this because of Adama, who seems less traditional, also had less difficulty providing examples than those students who were more traditional. Hmm... this seems to support the first hypothesis above. And, I also had one student tell me that he couldn't answer the questions that were directed at his own life and his own experience of conflicts, but that he could answer the more general questions for all Senegalese people. He seemed more traditional, too. So, perhaps the first hypothesis is better supported than the second, but I WANT to believe the second one because it's more interesting from a theoretical standpoint (e.g., culture might affect memory of conflicts to the extent that it is a virtue to live in, and to promote, peace).

The second hypothesis is also supported somewhat by the responses I've gathered from these students, and from my readings, regarding the general culture of peace here. Islam, I found out, actually means PEACE in Arabic. I haven't verified this yet, but that's what one of the students told me yesterday. Also, the Arabic greetings used here (i.e., Asaala Malaakum; Malaakum Salaam = Peace be with you; And may peace be with you) might promote a culture of peace, as well as the Wolof greetings, which come directly after the Arabic greetings, and ask whether you have peace. I've also been fortunate to gather some Wolof proverbs that situate peace as the most important human virtue. The students have shared all of this with me, and they have spoken about peace as if it were so ordinary and common. I'm not sure what to make of this, yet. I haven't spoken with enough people. But, it is supported by what I've read and by the few interviews I've had with professors.

Anyway, that's just some of the stuff I've been doing here with research. This blog is especially for those of you who thought I was just coming here to get adopted by Angelina Jolie, or if my chances were really good, Madonna.

Other than my research, you can see from the photos of Foundiougne that I've been having a nice time. There's really not much to say about Foundiougne- we basically hung out with Assane's family and walked around town most of the time. Saturday it rained most of the day, so we also spent a few hours playing UNO, which was nostalgic. Ate some more fish- it was yummy. Was almost eaten alive by mosquitos on our first night there- then I woke up and lathered myself in repellant. Rode on a motorcycle for the first time ever- that was a lot of fun (I didn't drive, though- too scary). Also rode on one of those horse-carriage thingies- both the motorcycles and the horse-carriages serve as taxis there because there aren't many cars. It's nicer that way, actually; the air isn't polluted like Dakar's and it feels more like a village.

We did have some Vicki-drama the other day.. that kind of sucked, but it's over now. We had a sit-down conversation yesterday with me, Yemi, and Vicki and went over what had happened and what we want from now on. Basically, she got all bent out of shape the other night because no one remembered to tell Saida what to make for dinner, so Saida didn't come. Then, this was combined with Vicki's disappointment that all we did in Foundiougne was hang out and relax. But, you ask, didn't Vicki stay in Dakar? YES! She did, and when she expressed her disapproval, I asked her why it should bother her. We parted ways after that and didn't talk for the rest of the night. It was like the cold-war in here, or in French, la guerre-froid! Aside from this, she had been picking on Yemi for the past couple of weeks because she thought that Yemi wasn't doing enough work. But in reality, Yemi's been working pretty hard, it just doesn't look like it because she's able to do most of her work on her computer or by studying 100 year old French documents (i.e., not through interviews, like most of us). So in our meeting yesterday, Yemi let her have it- respectfully and assertively. I was proud of her. I made my own comments, and suggested a few things for the remaining time here. Now, things are back to normal and we're living peacefully again. In short, we just had to re-negotiate our boundaries. It was a good learning experience, indeed!

Ok, that's all for now. I was using this blog to take a break from the French translation I've been immersed in this morning. But now, it's time to get back to it, as much as I'd rather not. So, hope everyone's well out there in blog-o-sphere. Thinking of you.

Foundiougne photos 5

2008-06-30T15:39:00.000-07:00

Views of Foundiougne from the ferry. The boat-looking thing is actually a house owned by some rich European guy. The fourth picture is of freshly fried donut holes sold on the ferry- they were tasty. The last photo is of the bus ride home from Fatick (the mainland town that the ferry connects to) to Dakar. As you can see, every single seat on that bus was filled. You'll also notice that there appears to be no aisle, and you'll be correct, except that there is... every row has a fold down chair to hold another passenger. Each chair folds up when people need to use the aisle. Essentially it's just to make the most of the space by putting more people on the bus. It was odd though not having an aisle... it felt claustrophic, and a bit scary actually when I thought about what would happen if a disaster happened.. but, thankfully, of course, nothing happened and we made it home safely.

Foundiougne photos 4

2008-06-30T15:23:00.001-07:00

Photos of us dancing the night away! Then, 2 photos of the ferry port.

Foundiougne photos 3

2008-06-30T15:11:00.000-07:00

Here's a photo of a tree that's huge... i don't know if the photo does it justice... but it's huge.. Then there's some photos of me, Assane, and Yemi playing UNO on the hotel deck.. last, there's a photo of the ferry that we took from the mainland to Foundiougne (did I say that Foundiougne is an island? well, it is..)

Foundiougne photos 2

2008-06-30T14:48:00.000-07:00

These were taken just outside Assane's grandmother's home. That's Assane on the bike (in the last photo).

Foundiougne photos 1

2008-06-30T14:24:00.000-07:00

Hotel in Foundiougne and the patio area overlooking the ocean.

going out of town tomorrow!

2008-06-27T15:09:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning, at the butt-crack of dawn, we'll hit the road for Foundioune! Assane's uncle volunteered to drive us (me, Assane, Yemi- Vicki's sitting this one out). We're leaving at 6am, and should get there at 9am or just thereafter. Not bad.

I'm really excited for this trip. Assane will introduce us to his family, and I'm sure they'll welcome us with an absurd amount of hospitality. We'll probably stop along the way and pick up some foodie treats for them as a way to say thanks.

I don't know what else we have on the agenda, other than a boat ride (in a pirogue- the fishing boats that look like big, painted canoes) to a few islands and beaching it. I think there might be a national park there, too, but I'm not sure. I'll have to bring along the ol' guidebook.

Anyway, we get back on Monday, so you won't hear from me for the next couple of days. But don't worry, we're in the best of hands. Take good care until then!

MUAH!!!!

"Mom-my, WOW! I'm-a-Mus-lim-now!"

2008-06-27T14:54:00.000-07:00

The way I was holding my bou-bou pants from getting dirty made Yemi think I looked like a girl going to the prom. And, in fact, that's what I felt like! The gray and green ones were tailored, but I purchased the white one at the market. The tailored ones, if I were Senegalese, would probably only be worn on Fridays for the grand trip to the mosque, or for fancy occasions, or if I were a professional in some capacity (usually they have more of a sheen to them). Most of the "everyday" bou-bous look more like the white one, and in different colors, of course.

The last picture is of a lizard that found its way into Yemi's room. It was probably the length of my pinky finger- it was really quite adorable! But we had to kill it. Assane said that if a lizard like that walks on your skin at night while you're asleep, your whole arm would swell up (or whatever it walked across... can you imagine your face? eek!) Apparently the cute lil' devils have poison on their paws. Sad that we had to kill him, but better for Yemi!

walking through that fear- oh yeah!

2008-06-25T14:22:00.000-07:00

I don't know what changed in the universe, but today was a completely different experience than yesterday! I had decided last night that I was going to suck up my fear and make as many phone calls this morning as possible. But even still, when I woke up today, I began by checking my email, eating breakfast, then checking my email again, and then again, all in an effort to put off having to make those uncomfortable calls. Finally, I sat down and wrote out exactly what I wanted to say in French, including several possible scenarios so that I wouldn't be caught off-guard and stuttering my way to comprehension. And then, I made my first call.

And surprise, it was a great success! Bouba Diop had heard that I would be contacting him, so that made it easier. But even then, there were a few moments when I had to ask him to repeat himself. In the end though, he invited me to meet him at 5pm in his office on campus.

After Bouba, I called another professor, who had NOT been expecting me, and that was an uncomfortable conversation. He seemed annoyed with my French, and when I said that he was recommended to me by his colleague, he said, "nope, I'm not interested." Those weren't his exact words, but it's the best equivalent meaning. 1 for 2- not bad.

Then I tried calling 4 other professors, all of whom were not able to answer their phones. I'll try them again tomorrow.

Then I called a student I had met, and he said that I could interview him at 2pm. So, there, my work for the day was cut out for me.

After lunch at the Baobab Center, Adama (the student), met me there and we walked to his house where I could interview him in a more private setting. We spent 90 minutes talking about incidents of conflicts in his life, how he felt about them, and how he has resolved them. I could have spent much more time asking him follow-up questions, but after 90 minutes, we were both tired, and I had to leave for my meeting at 5. Before I left though, he introduced me to several of his friends living in the same building, all of whom agreed to be participants! So, tomorrow I will return at the same time, and then probably the next day as well. It really couldn't have gone better!

When I arrived to the campus, I didn't know where Bouba's office was located. I had never seen the building, but I knew the general location. So, I headed in that direction and asked a guard if he could help me. He pointed and said to keep walking and that I'd run into it, but I think he could see the desperation in my face, and so he called to some guy walking by and asked him if he could walk me there. The guy, of course, smiled and said ok, no problem. We chatted on the way there- he's a student, he's taken a few English courses, he's never been to America but he would like to, I don't speak Wolof very well, etc. etc. We arrived at Bouba's office, and I gave this student the most heartfelt thanks- I felt like I should tip him, but obviously not!

The meeting with Bouba was ok- not very informative, but he has connections for me. I'm returning tomorrow so that he can introduce me to a professor in the law school. This woman is also the director of the Institute for Peace and Human Rights. So, needless to say, I think this will be a great meeting tomorrow.

Assane brought our dinner tonight- Sayda stayed home because her youngest son was ill. We ate, then talked about this weekend, and our plans to go to his hometown, Foundioune (fune-dune). His uncle will drive us there (me, Assane, and Yemi), and then me and Yemi will sleep at a hotel that is ran by a woman Assane knows. Apparently our bedroom window overlooks the ocean, but I'm not getting too excited, yet- you just never know here.. and that's not an insult.. it's just how things work here..people will say one thing, and for whatever reason, things change..so I've learned not to get hooked on what I hear until I see it in front of me. I'll tell you more about Foundioune later, but I should get off for now. I haven't had my daily nap, and I'm tired.

Hope you're all well. Love,
Ryan

so THIS is why nobody does this kind of work

2008-06-24T14:14:00.000-07:00

so do you remember the last words of The Wicked Witch of the West? "Oh what a world, what a world..." as she descends into a puddle of her own being. This was how I was feeling about 20 minutes ago, just before I checked my email, and just before I had a little chat with Vicki. But, as with other things in life, my "problems" just had a marvelous way of being melted down to nothing- on their own time though, not mine. I put "" on problems because everything now that I consider to be "problems" seem so ridiculous in light of the things I've seen here.

Today, I was supposed to have an interview with a professor in sociology at 10am at the University. I arrived on time, but he was in class, and he walked out of it to tell me that he had to cover a lecture for one of his colleagues, and that we could not meet as scheduled. He actually walked out of his class of 50+ students to tell me this- can you imagine? I was appreciative, but I was in plain sight of all the students, and I felt like such a Toubab (this is the word Africans use to talk about white people.. I think I mentioned it before.. it's not derogatory, but it can be). If it were me, I would have been thinking, "Why the heck is our professor leaving class for this Toubab? Isn't it enough that he's colonized us at one point, and now he's doing this?" But, then again, that's my own way of thinking- it's not necessarily theirs. In fact, I'm sure it isn't.

Ok, so I admit I'm a bit dramatic. Now you see how my mind works.

I walked away from Semou (the professor) feeling defeated, again, and without clear direction about what to do next. He told me to come back at 1pm, but it was 10am, so what was I to do for 3 hours? Wait around in the hot sun? No, so I tried the library, figuring I could sit in there and study. Hah! Good luck trying to find an empty seat in there during exam time! There were SEVERAL, I mean SEVERAL, tables with chairs for students, and each was full. Ok, Plan B- I decided to walk to the other research center I've worked at before, WARC, which is about a 30 minute walk from the U campus. It's a lovely walk, though- it's all along the coastline. It was warm, but bearable with the cool breeze from the ocean. And, I kept thinking to myself, "I'll soon be in an air-conditioned room," over and over again!

I studied at WARC until 12:30, then packed up and got back on the road. You should really see me here- I'm sure it's quite a vision.. this Toubab who's walking like he's on a mission, rather than sauntering like the Senegalese. I'm sure it's quite amusing to watch. I even laugh! But on I go, on my little mission... and I get there, we meet again (Semou), and we sit in his stifling office. I start in with my pigeon French, and he quickly takes command of the conversation, much to my relief. As he shares his beliefs about peace in Africa, I sit there, scribbling away on my notepad, trying to jot down every little French word or phrase I catch (I record the interviews, too), while every 5 seconds I use my left hand to wipe the deluge of sweat coming from the top of my scalp. I think if I had hair it might catch the sweat, but because I don't, it falls down to my eyes as soon as it's produced. It's really obnoxious. But what makes it worse is that he's not sweating a bit, even while he's wearing a full length bou-bou that covers him from neck down. Yes, they are supposed to be cooler, but still! In that heat I don't think it should matter.

After a half hour, we wrapped things up, and parted ways. I caught the nearest bus home and walked to the fast-food joint around the corner. I got a light, cold sandwich- anything else sounded disgusting at the moment. I went home, then realized that I didn't have a key to get in, and both Vicki and Yemi were at the Baobab Center- a good 20 minute walk, or $3 taxi. The sound of walking any more made me want to cut my wrists right then, so I decided to sit in the shade, eat my sandwich, and take a taxi after I'd cooled off a bit. This is exactly what I did.

When I finally got home, I took a cold shower and fell asleep. This was at 5ish, and I didn't wake up until 8, when dinner got here. This heat REALLY is incredible. It is a force to be reckoned with. I pushed it a bit too far today, and it bit back. Vicki said not to do that again, and I'm going to try not to, even if it means spending a little bit more money on a taxi when I could just as easily walk. But, I have to remember, walking 30 minutes here is not like walking 30 minutes anywhere else!

Even after my interview today, I was still feeling defeated. I had literally spent the entire morning and afternoon working for one 30 minute interview. True, it was an amazing interview, but still! If I try to do this everyday I'll run myself into the ground for sure. Other than calling these professors on their mobile phones (which I really didn't want to do because of my discomfort with French), there's really no other way. So, tomorrow, I decided, I will make phone calls as early as possible. And, if I get their voicemails, I'm going to say that I'll try them again in a few hours. And if that doesn't work, I'll say that I'll try them the next morning. And if that doesn't work, I may have to invest in a cell phone so that I have voicemail. Our home phone doesn't have voicemail, which is why I'm making this sound more complicated than it needs to be. Vicki agrees with this strategy (note to self), and, she confirmed that I had a hard day (another note to self). She also said that this is normal at first, and that it gets easier. I'm trying to keep that in mind, but it gets hard.

So yeah, I was just about to throw the towel in when I opened my email and there were two emails- one from a student at the U that I had asked to interview, and one from Kany (the Senegalese woman in Minneapolis whom I had dinner with before leaving), both offering to help with my research! Kany said that she heard I was having problems contacting professors, and that I could contact two of her professor friends (although I probably won't, as they're both language professors, and not all that relevant for my topic), and the student said enthusiastically that he would sit down with me for an interview. So there you go- "problems" solved, sort of. They're solved in the sense that I feel motivated to do this another day, and sometimes that's all one can hope for. For me, definitely, it's enough for right now, and I'm grateful for it.

Ok, my eyes are drooping again.. I guess it's time for bed! Seriously? Ok, I guess so. Until tomorrow!

a quick addendum to yesterday's post

2008-06-23T05:00:00.000-07:00

ok, so I realized later, after posting yesterday's account of Assane asking me about men and women, that I should be more clear about the WAY he asked, and why I responded the way that I did. I want to do this so that you don't think the worst.

So, yesterday, when he asked me if I wanted to find a man, he didn't ask it maliciously. And, I know this because there had been several days between him seeing my email inbox (with the gay.com announcement) and yesterday, and he had not treated me any differently. In other words, he must have been thinking about this during that time, but he didn't treat me any differently, which tells me that he would probably be sympathetic. This doesn't mean he would understand it completely, and I wouldn't expect him to, but it does mean that he wouldn't have malicious intent- this, I believe.

The second time he asked me about women, it was again, non-confrontational. I think he's genuinely curious to know more- that's all. He's probably had several encounters and friendships with Westerners as a result of working with the Baobab Center, and because of this, he's probably more receptive to understanding than others who have not had these kinds of encounters.

But don't worry- I'm not going to act fast on this matter. I'm asking the Universe right now what is best to do. What purpose am I here to serve, and is this part of it? Ultimately, this will guide my next steps.

It was informative already to reflect on my reaction to Assane's questions, because if you recall, I was kind of pissed at first. I was really confused about this; it's not like Assane asked me in a rude way- in fact, he did it in the best way possible considering the circumstances. But it caught me off-guard, nonetheless, and I think it's because it simply reminded me too much of junior high, when these sorts of questions were all over the place.

Junior high was a horrible time for me. I was overweight, and I had maroon-colored hair cut in the popular mushroom style of the times (long on top, shaved on the sides). My inspiration was what's her face from the tv show, My so-called Life, and my brother's hippie girlfriend at the time. I wore a leather necklace that hung down my chest with an inch-sized fish dangling at the end. I had a valley-girl accent (do I still?) and my social network consisted of girls only. So, of course, it was common to be asked the question, "Hey, are you gay or what?" And, as you can imagine for someone at that age, this was like the doomsday question- no matter what I answered, I was fucked either way. Even if I said no, I'm not gay, I knew they wouldn't believe it, and that it wouldn't end the questioning. I knew that it would only bring more ridicule, either way.

So it is with these memories that I shot back at Assane with, "And you, do you want a man?" I didn't realize this until last night after I had journaled. It made me kind of sad, actually, that I could be so susceptible to those memories even 15 years later. Now I'm ok with it, and I realize it was just an automatic response- a sort of learned, internalized defense. The good news is that I don't have to let that control what I choose to do from here. I can choose to be honest, if I want to be, and open to Assane's curiosity, in a dignified, loving way.

to be, or not to be?

2008-06-22T15:00:00.000-07:00

Today I felt so much better than yesterday. Yemi and I walked to the grocery store at around noon, only to find that it was closed (we forgot that lots of things are closed on Sundays). So instead, we stopped at Chez Joe's for some schwarma (it's like pita bread stuffed with shredded beef and french fries and yummy sauce... to die for, in other words). On our way home, we stopped inside a parfumerie and sampled some of their perfumes and colognes. After sampling about 5, I decided on the first one that I tried- a sweet, musk scent with notes of vanilla and cotton-candy. Similar to Angel, by Thierry Mugler, but not as sweet. It's a huge bottle, and it only cost 6500 cfa's (roughly $16). I was a happy camper. Momma raised a good little shopper...

When we got home we changed into our swimsuits and walked over to Sayda's house. There, we met with Assane and two more of Sayda's nephews and we hitched a couple of taxis to Yoff beach (I know, I know, I promised I wouldn't go back there after the last incident, but it's their favorite beach..) We must have stayed there for a few hours... there were TONS of people... mostly Senegalese. And seriously, the men need to put some clothes on.. they are ridiculously well-built!! I think even if I did a gazillion push-ups every day I still could never have a chest like that... honestly, it's RIDICULOUS! Ah well, fun to admire anyway.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. So we were sitting there under the cabana after a little swim and Assane started asking Yemi if she wanted to find a man on the beach.. jokingly it seemed... so Yemi replied, yes, of course, and then posed the question to Assane, and he said yes, too, of course... and you can see where this is going... so then Assane asked me, "Ryan, you are searching for a woman here?" and Yemi and I both chuckled a bit, and before I could even respond, he asked, "Ryan, do you search for a man here?" This caught me so off-guard that I was actually a little pissed, so I shot back with, "You, Assane, do YOU want one?" The moment passed over with a few awkward laughs, and then we all acted like nothing had happened. But it was on my mind for the rest of the day. I wondered whether he was serious or if he was just kidding around. And then it came to me- I'm pretty sure he was dead serious and that he had been waiting for that opportunity. I realized this because I remembered how last week, when he was hanging out after serving us dinner, he asked if he could check his email on my computer. I said he could, and I let him do his thing. Well, about 3 minutes later, he called me over because he couldn't understand what the screen said (it was in English), and I saw that he had been trying to access his email account, but that instead it was MY email account that popped up (because I'm always signed into MSN.com) and there was an email there from gay.com. I wouldn't have thought much of this, but just a minute before this I had looked up at him and noticed a confused/surprised look on his face. Putting 2 and 2 together, I figured that he saw that, and that it triggered a whole process for him, like trying to remember if I'd ever said anything about women (presumably a natural topic of conversation for straight men- like the weather). Long story short, I think he knows.

I probably would have let this go as coincidence or joking, but then later tonight he said something again, asking me if I think the women here are beautiful. This was only after Yemi had expressed her views on the men here, and after he expressed the same for women here. And again, I gave sort of a sheepish, "sure, they're ok" kind of answer because I need to think about this some more. I need to really be sure that it will not cause any problems if I were to come out to him. And, would I ask him to keep it to himself? Or, if he said that it was ok to tell Sayda and her family, would I feel ok with that? What if it got further than that and people at the Baobab Center found out? Then what?

A big part of me just felt like saying, "yes, I prefer men." But, the tiny bit of conscientiousness I do have told me not to; at least not right now. It's a strange experience to be put back into the closet. I had forgotten what these concerns felt like. It's not a good place to be, and I'm grateful that I don't have to deal with this on a regular basis. It's a blessing to be gay in America; no matter how it compares to more progressive countries on gay rights, it's still a hell of a lot better than being gay in Senegal (and probably all of Africa).

Anyway, I'm going to consider coming out to Assane. I think it could be a really good experience. It might also be bad. But, this is what I need to weigh out.

Ok, that's all for tonight. I'm gonna get to bed early tonight and then try to work on my paper some more tomorrow. I have too many thoughts in my head that need to be put down in writing- then, and only then, will they start to come together. Goodnight!

Minneapolis, dear Minneapolis...

2008-06-21T18:00:00.000-07:00

I MISS YOU MINNEAPOLIS!!! I just got off the phone with my friend Christopher, and he was on his way to the Walker Sculpture Garden, and I nearly cried when I pictured his surroudings.. Lyndale and 22nd. Nothing particularly special about that intersection; a Super America gas station, a liquor store, and a grocery store just down the street. Anyway, I just miss it- I miss it all. I wish I could spend even 2 days back home, sleeping in my own bed, making my own meals, doing my own laundry (no, scratch that!), walking down Hennepin Avenue, downtown, Nicollet Mall, Loring Park, Lake Calhoun, everything! But most of all, I wish I could spend even an hour with friends (and that includes sponsors, of course!)- I want to laugh and be silly over a bowl of icecream and fried chicken and then watch an artsy fartsy or really campy gay film. Mmm... some gummy bears and M&M's.. oohh with cheese and caramel popcorn... shit, maybe I'm just hungry! NO!!! just kidding.. this is definite, 100% homesickness. I think it's because it's Saturday night, and that's boys night in my world. But instead, I went to a dinner party with some other American students and their Senegalese friends... it was ok, but not my idea of a good time. I spent the entire evening trying to understand what they were saying.. it was discouraging.. I like to think that my French is pretty good.. that it's better than a beginner, but then I have these experiences where I feel totally incompetent! I know it's normal, and I'm not feeling pity for myself or putting myself down, but it is frustrating.. that's all.. especially when the conversation seems like it WOULD be interesting if I could understand. One of the guys there tonight was a diplomat for the Senegalese government- how interesting it would have been to understand what it is that he actually does! But no, he says diplomat, explains a bit more in French, and I nod politely as I feign comprehension.. "ahh... c'est tres interessant.." ("that's very interesting..")

Ok, enough of that. I do feel better now, though. I just talked to a few close people, and it was nice to hear what's going on in their lives. It occurred to me today that I have the luxury of sharing my life with several people all at once through this blog, but I don't get to hear what's going on in your lives, which of course, means that I need to try calling/emailing more. Otherwise I get too caught up in my own life, and that's fine and dandy, but I need to stay informed about y'all, too. So if you get a chance, send me an email, call, do whatever to tell me what's new in your life. Seriously!

So here's the breakdown for today and yesterday:
Today, I slept in until almost noon because I was up late last night from the Sean Paul concert. The concert was a lot of fun- the weather was great to be out in (cool and breezy), and the crowd was energetic and loving- it was full of love, and I'm not joking here. Some random kid came up to me, Yemi, and Assane asking for a drink of our water, and Assane purchased the kid his own water. It was funny because the kid only came up to Assane, and he seemed to expect Assane to do this, as if Assane had some kind of responsibility for his well-being. And obviously, he does! It was very sweet, that's all.

Earlier in the day, Friday, I went to the University again to hunt down some more professors, but they were all gone. Instead, I went to the library and did some reading. Then, I had lunch at the restaurant there- I ordered fried chicken and fries, and it was the worst thing I've encountered here; actually the worst thing I've had in a LONG time.. the chicken was rubbery, and I didn't eat it. It was like eating dog meat, if that's what dog meat is like.. I can only imagine, but that's what came to mind anyway. It was disgusting- that's the point. After that I went back to the Baobab Center to meet Assane and Sayda. We went to their house and their tailor measured me up for the bou-bous he's going to make for me. I'm so excited about this! After that I pretty much hung out with Assane until the concert started.

Today was a lazy day- I started working on my paper for this project here, and then I took a nap, and then it was time to go to the dinner party. And now I'm here, swatting at the world's most persistent mosquito. As much as I'd like to kill it, I do have some satisfaction knowing that it is repelled by the lotion I'm wearing... it's just dying to find an area of exposed skin, but it ain't gonna find it 'cause I'm wearing my full-body covering bou-bou... haayyy... so take that you stubborn ass 'squito!!!

ok, and now that I'm having a fight with some poor mosquito, I think that's my cue to go to bed. Hopefully he doesn't haunt me in my dreams as some giant alien mosquito twice my size... getting his revenge... eek. ok, more later, tomorrow, folks. AGGGHHH why doesn't he just land on me already so I can take him out!!! He's too smart... ok, I just smacked myself again in my vain attempt to kill him, so I'm really going to bed now.. until tomorrow.. goodnight.

bomb-diggity-bomb bou-bou fabric!!!!

2008-06-19T11:31:00.000-07:00

ah yes, just a quick note to say I bought some NICE fabric to make 2 more bou-bous!!! One is a shade of grey, but it's shimmery, actually they're both shimmery, but the other one is a shade of green.. like a chartreuse green. Both, gorgeous, of course. I'll get measured tomorrow at the tailor's house. So, prepare, America, for the new fashion craze... !

oh, and I coined a phrase yesterday that is too much fun to say.. so, basically, whenever you want to say that something is really cool or bomb-diggity or really neat, you can say, "that's some beaucoup sh*t right there!" of course, you have to follow it with, "haaayyy..." -- ok, so to pronounce "beaucoup" you would say, "bo" as in boat and then "coo" as in cool.

another one I like, but it belongs to Yemi, is, "sweet sauce," which can be used in similar situations. So if you read this blog, and you got excited about the bou-bou fabric, you would say, "ah! sweet sauce!" or, when you see me in my bou-bou, you can say, "now that's some beaucoup sh*t right there!" and we'll both say, "haaayyy..."

University Shenanigans

2008-06-19T04:51:00.000-07:00

Good morning to all! Today is Thursday, and I'm taking it somewhat easy.. yesterday pooped me out. Yemi and I went to the University so I could hunt down some professors and schedule interviews. It was HOT, and we did a lot of walking. It's a huge campus. I was only able to find one professor. They're hard to get a hold of unless you call ahead, and I'd prefer to meet in person first, mostly because my french is shaky. They're busy right now, being the end of the semester, and their hours are different here. They usually work in the mornings, then take a 3 hour break during lunch (the hottest part of the day), and then they return to campus at around 3pm. I knew this, so yesterday we got to campus at about 3, and we went immediately to the Facultes de Lettres (which includes philosophy, history, and anthropology). I waited for the secretary to help me, but she stayed on the phone for a good 30 minutes while I stood outside her door. Then, when she hung up the phone, and I thought, "Yes, here's my chance," she packed up her stuff and began to leave. She asked me, in an annoyed sort of way, what I wanted. I asked if she could tell me where Mamousse Ndiaye was, and if she had his email address. She said he was in a meeting, and she led me down the hall. I didn't realize she was going to interrupt his meeting, which happened to be with 5 other professors, but she did! I kept telling her it was ok, that I would wait until he was finished or come back, but she insisted. I begged.. I pleaded.. but she looked at me like I was crazy, as if she couldn't understand why I felt so uncomfortable with the idea of interrupting a faculty meeting just so I could schedule a damn meeting. I felt a panic attack coming on, but after some prodding, Mamousse came out of his meeting, we shook hands, and I apologized profusely for interrupting his meeting. He assured me that it was ok, and that he would be happy to meet with me. Then he gave me his home phone number as well as his mobile phone and said to call him. If it weren't for his tranquility, and his overall Father of the Earth demeanor, I probably would have flipped out completely. Now, I have to laugh about it, because I realize it was only a cultural difference, and how funny it is that it affected me so strongly. Me, the social psychologist, someone who has studied the power of situations to affect thoughts, feelings, and behavior. HAH!

After this important, real-world application of my studies, we walked over to the library so we could check it out. The librarian signed us up so we could have access to their materials, and then he proceeded to help us in the same way that the librarian helped us at the West African Research Center. He took down our interests, and then brought us several books on those topics. Of course, they were all in French, and I sighed in despair, but we sat down nevertheless and started plowing through them. Yemi was lucky; she had some English ones. In general, it seems like she can always find an English text, and I think this is because her topic is so pervasive (Islam and Politics), whereas mine (traditional ways of peacemaking in West Africa), is a bit (or a lot) more obscure. On the other hand, this could be a blessing, as I have less to read! I think this is also why my interviews will be crucial, because that will be my primary source of information.

After the library, we caught a bus home. Yes, a bus! We've been using the bus system for the past few days, and it feels like quite an accomplishment! I think it has helped to feel more comfortable being here- as if it makes me more Senegalese. Although, ironically, I feel more like an outsider when I'm on the bus because it's jam-packed full of people, and I'm the only whitie, and I constantly worry about whether I'm breaking any social norms by standing too close to women, and men, and what they think if my arm or part of my body is touching theirs. I imagine it's ok, because there's no where else to go, but it still makes me self-conscious. It's probably my own comfort level, actually, that I'm feeling. I doubt they even give it a second thought. But for me, I've never been in such tight quarters, so I think I'm the one feeling uncomfortable with the personal space issue. Wow, that totally just got worked out, right here, for everyone to see! hah! See, this is why I like journaling- otherwise, I might never process this stuff.

When we got home, I think I took a nap- yes, I took a nap. I woke up when Sayda's nephew, Assane, came with dinner. Sayda couldn't come herself because she has a guest visiting from France. Assane usually comes with her anyway, so we've gotten to know him quite well. In fact, I would say we're good friends with him. He's come with us to the beach, to Goree, and to the markets. He's in a few photos from Goree, but I'll probably post more of him, as we have plans to do more activities together. Tomorrow night, for example, we're all going to the Sean Paul concert, which is conveniently just down the street from us! And, even better, it's only $9 for admission! You can google him if interested- he's popular in the U.S. I'm not a huge fan or anything, but I think it will be fun.

So Assane gave us our meals, and then he made us Ataya (the Senegalese tea). Then he proceeded to tell us all about his home town, Foundioune, and how wonderful it is and how much we'd love it there. We had talked about going this weekend, but it's a long trip (maybe 4 hours by car), and we decided that last weekend (to St. Louis) will hold us over for a few more weeks at least. It really does sound nice, though. It's near the Gambia, in the south of Senegal. I think it's also on or near the river there- which river, I'm not sure... perhaps the Senegal River? I'll confirm this later.

Later, after lunch today, Sayda and Assane are taking me and Yemi to the fabric market called, HLM. I want to buy some white fabric to make a bou-bou, and Yemi wants to buy some more fabric to make another dress. Did I tell you Sayda has a friend who's a tailor? Yes, he's already made a beautiful dress for Yemi, and I want him to make a bou-bou for me. I think total, including the cost of fabric, this should cost under $30. I may even have two made at that cost. But we'll see. It all depends on what kind of fabric they have and if I fall in love with it, although I have a sneaking suspicion I will.

Ok, I should probably go for now. I hope you're all well. Miss you, and look forward to being home in a month! I can't believe one month has already passed. Oy vey.. I really need to get down to work. Ok, bye for now.

a few more photos of St. Louis adventures

2008-06-16T04:34:00.000-07:00

here are some photos of our lunch at St. Louis, which was under a large fabric tent. We had fish on kabobs, and a baked banana with some kind of sweet red syrup.

sometimes I'm blonde.. sorry Mom, Rachel, Marguerite..

2008-06-16T04:32:00.000-07:00

ok, so my last post title mentioned "Links", and I meant to say that I posted some interesting links of websites for you to peruse at your leisure- they are on the right side of my blog, just about my profile information. I think if you click on them they should take you directly to the website- some of them have good information, and some of them have good pictures of Senegal. Enjoy!

I'm resolved, by the way, and enjoy the links

2008-06-16T04:15:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note to say that I appreciate Vicki a lot more now. She's pretty damn funny, in fact. Here a couple of Vicki-isms:

At dinner the other night, she retold a story about how she said her grandson looked like a 'Ukrainian potato-picker' -- her daughter-in-law didn't like this too much, but we thought it was hysterical.

The other morning, when she was trying to figure out the hotel bill, she kept coming to us with news about how we were to handle this (it was complicated because we split two rooms, and there were uneven numbers of people in each), and she could tell that it was getting obnoxious, so the last time she came up, she said, "sorry to be Typhoid Mary, but I have one more stipulation.." -- we about died from laughter.

And another time, when we were at the Baobab Center eating lunch, she changed tables because the table we were sitting at was in the sun, and she wanted to be under the shade, and when she got up to leave, she said, "I'm gonna get under the shade... and, I don't like you." It's dry, but I gotta hand it to her, it's FUNNY!

I hope to get some more Vicki-isms...

And I think, despite the minor irritations, everything she says comes from the heart.

She's a spiritual woman, too, and I respect that. We had a wonderful conversation yesterday about spirituality and AA. Apparently she has many friends in AA, and she respects the program tremendously. She is involved in some kind of efforts to bring AA to Senegal and West Africa, but I don't know too much about it. I told her that I had looked for AA in Senegal, but that there was nothing available online. She said to talk to Gary, the director of Baobab Center, that he should know of something. In fact, one of her best friends who lived here for years (an American woman), was an alchoholic who had attended a few AA meetings in Dakar for Westerners, but that she wasn't ready to quit, and 2 months ago she died from liver cancer. I was humbled by this information, because this woman had done SO much for Senegal with her NGO (non-governmental organization) to help preserve indigenous culture and to promote education. It was humbling because she was an amazing woman who did so much; so much that she had a street named after her, but even that wasn't enough motivation to quit drinking. It makes me hate this disease. It also makes me that much more grateful for my own sobriety. I'm one of the lucky few, and I hope not to take that for granted, now or ever.

Weekend in St. Louis

2008-06-16T03:06:00.000-07:00

So, sorry about last night. I was tired and cranky, but I could've easily kept that to myself. In any case, it's amazing what a good night of sleep can do! I feel sooooo much better today. And, to top it off, it's raining!!!! Scratch that- it's POURING!!! I guess this marks the beginning of the raining season. I don't know what that entails really, other than it could rain more for the remainder of the time I'm here. I hope so- it's a bit cooler now and windy. It's also exciting because it's like CRAZY rain- ferocious rain, even more so than summer rains in Minnesota, and I thought those were crazy.

Yesterday we spent 6 hours driving back from St. Louis. It should have only taken 4, but we hit traffic coming back into Dakar. Apparently many people living in Dakar take weekend trips outside the city, so Sunday night it is inevitable to hit major traffic. The tiny freeways don't help, but it looks like they are already working on expanding them, so that's good.

I had several mini heart-attacks once we hit traffic because I was sitting in the front of the bus, and our driver was NO BULLSHIT! He was Senegalese, but he spends half his time living in Paris. He owns a driving company, and we were connected to him by Doyen, our landlord. He drove us up on Friday morning and he stayed in St. Louis the whole weekend. We paid daily for his services, but it ended up being only slightly more expensive than a hired taxi would have cost, and it had several more perks, including safety, more space, reliability, etc.

But yes, he was Senegalese, so he knew how to maneuver the tiny crammed freeways, even at night. I had several heart-attacks because of these mini-buses called 'car rapides'- essentially these are what most people use for public transportation; they are like VW vans, like the one my parents used to have when I was a little fella. They are cheerfully painted with all sorts of reds, yellows, and oranges and most of them say on the front and back 'Alhamdulilaay' (thanks be to god). They are always packed with people, and all along the freeway they let people in/out, and people then walk across the freeway (if they're going that way) because there's no real designated zones to do this. So during traffic, it's outrageous, as you might imagine. I wanted to close my eyes, but it was all too exciting to watch! I guess on some level I've been desensitized to this, as riding in taxi cabs through downtown is equally as crazy. In both cases, I'm amazed that no one ever gets hurt, but the drivers do take extreme caution by using their horns endlessly- a little honk here (to let the driver to the front and side know that he's coming up next to him) and a little honk there (to let pedestrians know to move to the side). It's wild- absolutely wild. But somehow it works! Ah, there was one exception- last week on our way to the Baobab Center we saw a kid on the side of the street who had been hit- he was ok, but it looked like his leg(s) might have been broken/harmed. I bet this happened because the kids were playing as they were walking home and one of his friends pushed him toward the street, unintentionally of course, but just enough to put him in harm's way. I can only suspect, but that would make the most sense because I know the kids here are accustomed to the crazy traffic and I know they're pretty savvy about it.

Ok, so I better hurry up because my battery is dying! Damn that Scott! haha... little bastard. Ah well, shit happens.

So, St. Louis, it was great. It is a small beach town up the northern coast, just below the border of Mauritania. Fishing is huge there, and we took a tour of a fishing village. It was the most interesting thing I've seen here- piles and heaps of fish waiting to be gutted, smoked, and dried in the sun. The smell of fish was overwhelming, but I stomached it. I would never go back, but it was worth the visit. It was interesting to watch the women handle the fish- this is their main job, whereas the men are the ones who take the pirogues (like giant canoes) out to sea every morning. So many of the women were obese, and I wondered why- how is that possible? But then I remembered how much the Senegalese love their sugar, and how soft-drinks are hugely popular here (but no Diet sodas, yet). I don't think I talked about this yet, but sugar goes in ALL of their drinks- hot milk (which is delicious with sugar), coffee (at LEAST 4 cubes, which is WAY too much for most Americans, I suspect), tea, and locally made juices. I've heard that because of this, Senegal has the highest rate of diabetes in the world, but this may be rumor, I haven't cross-checked. You can, if you want.

Fishing is such a big business in St. Louis that the Chinese and Japanese actually paid for them to build export stations where they could stack the fish and make it easier to load onto ships (ships that would take the fish to China and Japan, of course).

After the fishing village, we toured the rest of the island (did I mention it was an island?). It was very much like Goree, in the sense that the Colonial presence at one time left an obvious mark on the architecture. I think St. Louis was the first capital of Senegal, actually, and people living in St. Louis attained high status with the French. In particular, there were women, called Signares, that were children of French men and Senegalese women, who became serious players in the economic and political life of St. Louis.

The island was calm, and much more relaxing than Dakar. It was a nice break, but I was happy to be home last night. I started to miss the hustle and bustle. Anyway, here's the link to Wikipedia on St. Louis, if you're curious to know more:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint-Louis,_Senegal

And here's the link to Dakar on Wikipedia:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dakar

Thought you might like these links!

end of weekend, and will write more later...

2008-06-15T14:44:00.000-07:00

hey guys- I just got in from St. Louis, and I'm a bit tired and cranky. I want to blog, but I may need to spend some time chilling out first. I'm irritated because I loaned my one and only plug adapter to Scott, who I don't particularly like anyway, so that he could use his computer in St. Louis (he had forgotten his at home), and he ended up leaving it stuck in the hotel plug! So, now, 5 hours of driving later, I realize that I am without an adapter, which means that I can't use my computer for long before it runs out of batteries. I called him, and after he explained what had happened, he offered to give me his adapter, but he's leaving town tomorrow so it won't be until Thursday! What nerve!?

Anyway, I'm going to chill out now. Sorry- wasn't much of an entry, but will try to get on later when I have peace of mind.

fourth photo in last set.. ATTENTION

2008-06-12T12:07:00.001-07:00

I forgot to mention the fourth photo in the last set- the one just before the slave monument there is a photo of the staircase wall, and if you look closely toward the upper-right corner, you can see graffiti. Find it, and you'll know why I posted this photo, and why this blog-addendum was necessary.

Goree photos 5

2008-06-12T11:22:00.000-07:00

The first photo is of me and Michael standing in the passageway that was supposed to lead out to the ships. It feels weird to post this photo, but I'm going to. I guess part of me feels like it is exhibitionist or exploitative, but I also feel it's important for me to know that I was there, and for others to see it (the passageway). I'm not going to worry about it, though. It is what it is.

The second photo is of shackles and chains; self-explanatory.

The third photo is of the dual-staircase again, but from above.

The fourth photo is of the statue monument outside the museum. I don't know if you can see very well in the photo, but the main has broken free from the chains. I thought the light on his face was particularly beautiful at this moment.

Goree photos 4

2008-06-12T11:10:00.000-07:00

These photos are exclusively Maison des Esclaves. The first picture is a view from the outside. The second is the first view as you enter the house- it's of a dual-staircase that leads up to a large space (probably used for business/living). Also in this photo, however, you can see in the center an open passageway that leads out to the ocean- supposedly this is where slaves would exit onto the ships that would take them to their final destinations, but this is debatable. Some scholars believe this is an impossible explanation for the open passageway, as there are too many rocks below to allow for a boat to get near enough. In general, it's debatable how many slaves actually went through this maison, but for me, I think it is the symbolism more than anything that is important. For me, it puts a name to a face, so to speak. The third, fourth, and fifth photos show how rooms/cells are divided up by Hommes (men), Femmes (women), Jeune Fils (young ones), and Enfants (babies, toddlers). You can also get a good sense of how small these spaces are.

Goree photos 3

2008-06-12T11:00:00.000-07:00

Goree photos 2

2008-06-12T10:52:00.000-07:00

Here are some photos of the winding, uphill path I told you about, and also the cliff with beautiful views of the ocean.

Pictures from Goree 1 and details of the day

2008-06-12T10:07:00.000-07:00

Here are just the beginning photos of Goree Island; there are plenty to come. I think I may have told you about Goree, but I'll refresh your memory in case you forgot, or in case I forgot. Goree Island is well-known, primarily, as the destination for those who seek to experience the truth or realness of the African slave trade. I don't know a better way to say that, other than it's a place where many African Americans come as an act of pilgrimage to connect with their past. Goree was a busy slave trading post set up by the French, and there are concrete examples of this preserved for remembrance and meditative reflection.

We went to Goree yesterday by ferry. It's about 20 minutes out from Dakar. The ferry was jam-packed with students and others- mostly Africans. I was probably 1 of 10 white people, just to provide you with a clear picture. In other words, it wasn't as touristy as I thought it would be, which is interesting, I think. But this also isn't the tourist season, so there you go, perhaps. When the ferry approached the island, I could already see that it was different than Dakar. For starters, the buildings were old colonial style, with bright colors (very similar to Caribbean architecture, and for the same reason= colonial influence). Dakar, for the most part, is beige, brown, and white. Buildings in Dakar don't go beyond this color spectrum, and I don't know why, other than my personal hypothesis that it may work better with all the dust and sand that flies around (i.e., it just blends, rather than looking faded). It could also have nothing to do with my hypothesis- perhaps Senegalese are just more reserved when it comes to house colors. It's confusing though, because their clothes are VERY bright, so that hypothesis doesn't make much sense, either. If anyone has another hypothesis, please put it forward!

Another major difference about Goree is that it has no streets and no cars, so the air is MUCH cleaner, and the environment in general is much more tranquil. It was a pleasant retreat in that sense.

As we marched on, we came across an winding, uphill pathway that had several artists selling their work. There were paintings, jewelry, musical instruments- basically everything you can find at the other markets. At the end of this path, there was a trail down the side of this cliff that led to some breathtaking views of the ocean. There was also this gigantic (seriously huge) canon that was used in WW1 and preserved as a monument. The artist that was working near this approached us and we started in friendly conversation. Then, he invited us to take a tour of the space underneath the canon, which apparently was his home, as well as to many other artists on the island! The space was once used to control the workings of the canon, as a storage space for amunition, and as a storage space for tons of water (which was used to cool off the canon once it was fired). 10 years ago, a handful of artists living on the island asked the government if they could live there, and the rest is history. I'll post some pics of this- it was truly one of the coolest things I've ever seen, and definitely an awesome space for an artist to reside and be all creative and shit. I know my friend, Larry, will appreciate this one (if you've ever seen his kitchen, you'd understand why).

Near the giant canon there is a memorial to those affected by the slave trade. I'll also post pictures of this- it's a beautiful white sculpture that stands so tall that you can see it from standing on the port in Dakar.

After these shenanigans, we went to the Maison des Esclaves (House of Slaves). I'll post pictures of this, and let you have your own experience. I don't really feel like talking about my experience, at least not yet.

Now, about the photos posted above- the first 2 photos are of the coast as the boat approaches the island. The next two photos are of the colonial architecture. The last photo is of the Baobab tree, which is by far the most popular and well-known tree in Senegal. It might even be the national tree, if there is such a thing. As a side note, the center that we work through is called the Baobab Center because it is in a neighborhood that has one of the oldest Baobabs in the city. It's a gigantic tree, and very strange looking. It produces bitter fruit that is used in cooking and juices- the juice, is of course, made with plenty of sugar, and it's delicious. And, I think I told you this, the Baobab fruit is also used as a remedy for intestinal issues, which I found out when I had food-poisoning a few weeks ago.

There will be more photos to come from Goree.

Workin' the bou-bou..

2008-06-12T05:14:00.000-07:00

a mini bitch session.. consider this your warning...

2008-06-09T16:12:00.000-07:00

Today was our last day of Wolof. I'm happy about this, but only because now I have my days completely free. I was actually starting to enjoy it, somewhat. I certainly don't feel like I could say anything more than greetings and introductions, but I know a few more verbs and how to conjugate, and perhaps that'll motivate me to learn more on my own. Actually though, I feel it's more necessary right now to study my French, as I feel limited in my base of words and verbs to choose from. I notice this more when I'm with professors who speak French more than anything. In common, everyday conversations, my French is adequate, and I don't feel embarrassed to just say whatever comes to mind (which can then be corrected), but with professors, my inhibitions get in the way. This is normal, I suppose, but I would like to feel more comfortable.

We finally got our cable internet today, which is why I was able to upload so many photos and videos. Funny thing though- we only have ONE cable connection, and my computer is the only one it works on because everyone else has Windows VISTA and I have XP. Doyen, our "landlord," is going to get us Wi-Fi, which is what we thought we paid for initially. Short story: It's one big mess, but it's slowly getting cleared up. Vicki, our professor, was flipping out about it today, and I think I deserve a medal for keeping my mouth shut. That's a long story too, and not very interesting, but suffice it to say that she was just overreacting and treating the cable guy like shit, and it was really embarrassing for the rest of us. I haven't talked too much about Vicki and her craziness because I didn't want to bitch, but she really is getting to be too much. The last few days I've felt like I was living in a prison. It's like walking on egg-shells with her. She has never snapped at me, but she's just so damn temperamental. She wants things her way, and she's not up for negotiations. And the thing is, this wouldn't bother me so much if I felt like her suggestions and/or commands were at least helpful, but they're not. And, worse yet, most of her comments that are so irking seem rooted in her lack of trust in the rest of us, it ends up feeling like I've (we've) just been lectured by a parent who is not our parent. I have parents, and I didn't sign up for more. And, by the way, my parents are great in letting me live my life without managing it, so to have this kind of intervention by Vicki... I'm just getting tired of it. I didn't sign up to justify every little action or inaction. No, ma'am!

I've been willing to accommodate Vicki so far, but my patience is wearing thin. I'm beginning to feel taken advantage of, or at the least, I'm beginning to feel codependent. Well, maybe it's not codependency so much as just wanting to live in peace, so I try to just stay out of her way and do things to keep her from snapping. I don't know if I would be this accommodating if she wasn't such a source of help with my research. Because of that, I don't feel comfortable saying to her, "Look, bitch, you're getting on my nerves," and "No, no, I don't care that you're an old lady that can hardly move around, and that you get confused easily, you're still being a mega-bitch," and "You need to go to your room and chill-out until you're ready to be pleasant... bitch." Ok- there, I got it out of my system. That felt good.

Ok, that's it for tonight. I have to shower and read more of my book, "Wicked." You may have heard of it- it's the biographical account of the Wicked Witch of the West, from Oz, of course. So far I'm loving it.

more beach scenes

2008-06-09T12:08:00.000-07:00

some beach videos

2008-06-09T11:54:00.000-07:00

2008-06-09T11:32:00.000-07:00

I just got back from Yoff beach. Yoff is a suburb of Dakar and it has some of the most beautiful beaches in Dakar. It's also less touristy. Me and Yemi decided to be adventurous today and try it out. We negotiated for a taxi, arrived, swam, tanned, then negotiated for a taxi home. That's the short story.

Actually, that's most of the story! The beach was great. We rented a little hut and basically stayed there for 4 hours. We got in the water, and it was sort of cold, but not that bad. The beach was shallow for the most part, until at one point, it suddenly drops off. Well, neither of us knew that, so we both went out pretty far, because we could still touch the ground, and then we both realized that we needed to reel it in! At this point, however, the currents were really strong and it was difficult to gain any kind of progress against it because it would just pull you back in. It was kind of scary for a moment. The life-guard was even coming out to get us!! We weren't drowning or anything, but they could see we were struggling against the tide, and that it could potentially be a bad situation. When we saw the life-guard coming, we both started to haul ass because then we realized that maybe the situation was more serious than we thought. It worked, and we finally reached a point that we could manage the currents, and we brought ourselves back into shallow waters. YIKES! When we got home we told Vicki about this- BIG MISTAKE! She got into such a huffy. She was seriously pissed at us. So, lesson learned: don't share stuff with Vicki; just say, "yes, it was fun," and leave it at that. It pissed me off- she's not our mother. We wouldn't even be staying in the same place if we had made other plans. It's ridiculous that she would feel appropriate doing that. But whatever, I'm letting it go; in 30 seconds, as she would say.

Oh yeah, and Yemi got picked up by another really hot guy today! They absolutely love her here! She's a hit- sensational. His name was Patrick (from Nigeria), and he was a futball player. He spoke English, and he was CHARMING! My goodness, he was really working Yemi with lines like, "When I saw you, I thought I saw an angel from heaven." Can you believe it? But coming from him, with his accent and ripped body, it was hard not to fall for it! And he wasn't even saying it to me!

No electricity, but I am the fiercest cheese boy ever!

2008-06-07T15:33:00.000-07:00

Hello, finally!

I am so sorry for missing a day! The electricity here has been hit-and-miss, and because of that, the internet, too. It is so frustrating, especially when I think about how much I'm paying to be in this apartment. But, it's not just the apartment that's dealing with this- it's the whole country. The hit-and-miss power has been like this for the past 4 days, and people here are getting very upset about it because they are losing money, spoiling food, and having problems with water access (us, too, because the water is provided by powered systems, so when the power is out, so is the water). Thankfully, this is the worst of our problems, and I realize this. It could always be worse.

So, word on the street is that the Senegalese government has failed to pay their electric providers, and so they are shutting down power here and there to conserve. This would not be a problem if the power was privatized, but it's not, and so the government has complete control. Everyone pays a flat fee, no matter how much or how little they use; so when there is power, you better bet people USE it! Unfortunately, this creates a vicious cycle of not having enough energy, then using up what energy there is very rapidly, then getting some more energy, then using it up quickly, etc. I'm not sure what will happen with this, and it has me worried because I fear it might be like this for the rest of the time I'm here. But, who knows. In the future, I'll feel better knowing that you know this, mainly because I worry when I don't post something because I worry that you'll worry why I didn't post anything! This is Africa, as we're learning, together. So don't worry!

I have time for a quick update, and then I need to get dress for tonight. I can't wait to get out and go dancing! It will be so good to get out of the house and to forget about the whole electrical issue. It really is frustrating- I think because I feel so helpless over it. In the states, if something like this happened, I could call someone and get it fixed, but not here. So, dancing will be good. And, it will be good to get cleaned up and schnazzy looking, as for the rest of the time I'm using wearing clothes that don't smell so fresh, they're wrinkled, and I have a layer of grime on my face. But not tonight, baby! I'm gonna be looking FRESH. =) And don't worry, we will have Sayda along with us to keep us safe.

Sayda is pretty darn cool. She took me and Yemi to the Chinese market yesterday after Wolof. There are two of these in the city, and they are cheaper than the other markets. I bought the most darling pair of sandals for $10! They are really SEXY. I can't wait to bust them out back home. I wore them today when we went to another market, and they were really comfortable. The market we went to today was just off the beach, and it was an artisan market, so everything in it was guaranteed to be local arts and crafts (the government created this market). I bought another pair of cute sandals, but these are special because they were made right there- leather strappy sandals. Very cute.

After the market, Vicki treated us to lunch at this fii-fii-foo-foo resort-like restaurant that looked out over the ocean. It was beautiful. It was also the first time I've been around so many other white people since I've been here! It was kind of strange. We all ordered pizzas, and they were delicious. Yemi got picked up on by this really hot "cabana boy"- although he was more of a man. In general, Yemi gets a lot of attention here because she is different than the other women here- she has some meat on her bones. Most of the women here are slender and flat, but not Yemi! Gurl has some serious curves, and I tell her this, so it's not bad for me to say it here. She is like a goddess here, and rightfully so.

As a side note, I got excited today when I started to journal in French! That was a first for me, and I've been waiting for it to happen. Before I left for Senegal, everyone told me that I would be amazed at how much my French would improve, and I couldn't imagine what that would look like for me. I had heard from others that it's the difference between having to translate something in your head to just thinking in another language, but I couldn't possibly understand what that felt like. But today, I think I had a taste of it. I was journaling, and then suddenly it just felt better to write in French, and so I did! What's better is that it didn't feel like a struggle like it did before I left for Senegal. Words just sort of rolled out. Granted, it was pretty simple language- definitely didn't use any complicated tenses, but nonetheless, it was an obvious sign that, indeed, my French IS improving. That's an awesome feeling.

Ok, I should now get ready. I'm a little disappointed because I thought the shower I just took would take away this cheesy pizza smell I have on me from lunch today, but it didn't. I don't know why it is so stuck in my skin. It's gross! Oh well, I will just be stinky cheese boy tonight. But I will LOOK fierce!

brief entry today

2008-06-05T15:21:00.001-07:00

Wow- I am dead tired today. There's no good reason for it either, other than it was a VERY hot day. I also had some gastrointestinal issues, but I think it was just from eating a particular kind of spice that was new for me. It definitely wasn't food-poisoning. But, perhaps that is also making me feel lethargic. So, because of this, I'm going to keep this short and sweet.

Today we had more Wolof. I met with this guy in charge of the peace-building conference that's coming out of the Baobab Center. It sounds really interesting, and timely. He's going to send me more information via email, and I may follow-up with him.

Tonight at dinner Sayda said she would take me and Yemi to the Chinese market tomorrow after our Wolof class. She had this adorable purse and pair of shoes from this place, and said that we could find all sorts of cheap, fashionable things. YAY!!! Shopping!!! lol... I can't wait. I've been getting more and more inspired by the dress here- it's like Diesel meets Islam. I don't know how it will translate in America, but I'm willing to be the guinea pig.

Yep, that's all folks. I am dead tired. I'm going to shower and then go to bed.

A demain (until tomorrow, en francais)!

Ceebu jen and upcoming plans

2008-06-04T16:00:00.000-07:00

Hey there everyone! Today was a kick back day! It was really nice. We woke up, then a woman from the Baobab center came over and taught us how to make ceebu jen, the national fish and rice dish. We started at 10am, and finally ate at just after 2pm. It was a long process! The fish she brought over was so fresh and big. I could hardly believe she brought so much, but we did a pretty good job devouring it. I don't think I'll be able to make it back home, but it was fun to learn how anyway.

After that, we all took naps. Then, we watched the movie, "Cloverfield" on Armin's computer. It was ok. I'm never that impressed with scary movies. They're all the same to me. But, it was a nice way to relax.

I did a little bit of reading on politics and Islam in Senegal, but it was boring, so I didn't focus too much on it. I'm just not that into politics.

For dinner we just had sandwiches. They were good.

Hah- I don't have much to say today! Sorry! I'll post some pictures from today's lunch and our preparation of it.

Tomorrow we have more Wolof, then I'm meeting with someone at the Baobab Center to discuss their peacemaking/social justice initiatives. It'll give me some ideas, and maybe some new contacts.

Friday we have more Wolof. Saturday we're going to another market near the beach, and then after that we'll probably have a meal at this Lebanese restaurant that Vicki has been recommending since we got here. Saturday night we'll go out to the clubs with Sayda. She's pretty hip, so she'll probably take us to some fun places. Before we go, I'll have to buy some sneakers- all I brought were flip-flops and sandals, and Sayda said a forceful NO to wearing those out.

Sunday we'll probably sleep in and go to this one beach in the afternoon. Apparently this beach is really, really nice- it's in a suburb called Yoff, and it's about 10 minutes by taxi. You can rent a private space that's blocked off and guarded for under $3 I think, which is pretty cool because then you don't have to worry about someone stealing your belongings when you get in the water. Isn't that clever? I think so.

Next Tuesday we'll probably go to Goree Island, which is home to one of the old slave trading posts. The "Maison des Esclaves" (House of Slaves) has been turned into a museum, and supposedly there's an intense tour guide that tells you about the history of it, which will be horrific, I'm sure. But/and, it will be important to see/experience this.

The following weekend we will have a more "fun" trip to Saint Louis, which is about 4-5 hours north of Dakar, on the coast. St. Louis was another big city for the French colonialists to do much of their trading (not for slaves, but for other things- not sure what those are yet.. maybe peanuts). We'll probably spend a long weekend up there. It's supposed to be beautiful, and very relaxing (unlike Dakar, which has beauty, but more in the bustling, big city sort of way).

Well, that's all for now folks. I hope you've been enjoying the photos! I can't upload the photos tonight because the stolen internet connection isn't strong enough... but again, we should be getting legitimate internet service any day now! haha... this is Senegal time. That's ok.

Research meetings and grocery shopping

2008-06-03T11:13:00.000-07:00

Today was long, but good. Vicki came with me to a meeting I had with one of her colleagues, Mbaye Thiam. He's a professor at the University, and he's an expert of Wolof oral traditions/history. I'm still a little unclear what oral traditions are, but my understanding is that they are the oral versions of written history; they get told over and over again and become ingrained in culture. Vicki is an expert of gathering and using oral traditions. This method of research is especially useful in cultures that have (or are) non-literate. Wolof, as I said in one of my blogs, was only recently (within the last century) transcribed, and until then history had been remembered orally. Now, historians are pulling those traditions out and putting them down on paper so that they are preserved for future generations of Africans, and for the world.

I met with Mbaye in the morning. His office was located on the University campus, which was great because I got to see what it looked like finally. It wasn't that different from Fresno State, just less green. Otherwise, even some of the bushes/plants looked similar. It was kind of weird. I brought Vicki with me 1) because she's interested in the topic, 2) she's fluent in French, and 3) she's an expert of Wolof history. In other words, she could help me when my French failed, as well as when I missed important questions to ask of Mbaye. Without having her there, it wouldn't have been as successful. But, because of it, I got some good info, and, even better, he agreed to introduce me to several professors next week who might be able to help me even more. Apparently there's quite a few professors interested in the topic of peacemaking, so this is working out beautifully so far! I'll meet with them next week and go from there.

Later, after Wolof, I met with, Gary, the director of the Baobab Center. I was interested in meeting with him because he had mentioned before that they (the Baobab Center) is branching out their social justice efforts by organizing and hosting a peace-building conference in November. They hope to make this an annual event, provided they get continued funding. Essentially, it will be a training institute for practitioners who work for social justice (and related) organizations to become skilled mediators who could help parties resolve conflicts. This model has been applied successfully in the Casamance area (southern Senegal), which has been a place of serious conflict for years (why? I'm not exactly sure, yet). Gary set up another meeting for me with the guy leading this endeavor, Djiby, on Thursday. I should know more about this then, and how it might benefit my research.

If I'm sounding vague about all this, it's because I'm just as unclear about it! I know that my follow-up meetings will help clarify much of this, so bear with me. In any case, it's exciting to know I'm moving forward with this. I must say, however, it's also a bit overwhelming. Vicki continues to make explicit how sacred this work is- her position is that Africans have been screwed over for so long by outsiders, that she doesn't want to inflict any more harm, which in this case, would be some naive American student trying to get something out of this for himself without serious consideration about how to give this back to the Africans who will spend time and resources helping me. It's serious, and I acknowledge this. I'm also beginning to realize that if I'm to take this seriously, I am not just looking at my time here this summer, but I'm also looking forward into the next few years, and how I will come back for a longer time- maybe a year. It seems like the next step in this effort, and that is ... well, I don't know what I feel about that. Here's the conflict, as succinctly as possible: I don't want to take this work lightly, but I don't know if I can commit to what it calls for in order to give it due respect. And, if I commit, can I fulfill that commitment? I don't know. I don't know how one makes a commitment like this without being 100% sure about the outcome. It just seems too risky. We'll see, though. All I can do with it is move forward for the time being, and be open to the possibilities.

My stomach is growling! Sayda should be here soon, with Lasagna I think.. with homemade pasta! She's amazing.

Tomorrow we are having someone come over to teach us how to make the national dish, Ceebu Jen. This was the fish and rice dish with vegetables. It'll be an all morning thing, starting at 10, and probably ending at 3. I'll take photos!

The damn electricity keeps going out - it's been doing it a lot these last few days.. maybe 3-4 times each day. It's frustrating when I'm online because it causes the router to go out, and zap, no more internet. It's kind of funny, too. We just laugh about it now.

Ok, that's all for today. Hope you're all well. See you tomorrow!

A day at the park... eating sheep and drinking yogurty milk

2008-06-02T15:28:00.000-07:00

Sayda, our cook and friend, and her Paella

2008-06-02T15:21:00.000-07:00

pictures from Lac Rose (notice the salt mounds)

2008-06-02T15:09:00.000-07:00

delayed entry, but still celebrating!

2008-06-02T14:22:00.000-07:00

I finally have internet again, after an extended time of being without it. I will be so relieved when we finally get legitimate service (which, supposedly, will be tomorrow, but I'm not counting on it until I see it). So, for today, I'm simply going to post what I would have posted yesterday. In fact, I had almost finished and posted the entry below when the internet snapped off! It was incredibly frustrating, but hey, it's stolen internet, so what can I expect?
_________

We spent today at the park and zoo eating and lounging under the shade. Michael, one of the students living with a host family, invited us to come with him and his family to one of their picnics. They purchased a sheep, had it skinned and cut up into manageable parts, and they brought the rest with them to the park site. We sat under the shade while two of them cut the sheep parts into even smaller bits, and two more sliced onion after onion. The father made a milk drink that was basically soured milk with lots and lots of sugar. The consistency was milky, with chunks of yogurt-ish stuff---- it was delicious!!!!!!!! I had several servings.

There were two kids, Mohamed (7 years old) and Ishmael (toddler). They were both adorable, of course. Ishmael didn't speak a word, but his face lit up with smiles every time he was spoken to. Mohamed was full of energy, and very intelligent. He wanted to take a picture, so I let him. And then I basically said goodbye to my camera for the remainder of the afternoon! He was off to the races with that camera. He took photo after photo, and to my surprise, they were all fabulous. I couldn't have done a better job- in fact, I know I wouldn't have because I wouldn't have thought to take pictures of the things he did, which were, succinctly, ordinary things like people sitting and talking. I'll be sure to post them.

After eating the sheep, we walked over to the zoo. It was pretty standard, although it was unique in that it had 6 lions! I've only ever seen 2 at a zoo. They also had hyenas, and I've never seen those before (and, by the way, they're really adorable! They've got these beautiful puppy-dog eyes... Janie, you would have wanted to take one home). Their facilities weren't that great, in fact, they were a bit depressing, but what zoo isn't depressing? It was particularly bad for the monkeys- they were in very small quarters, and they did not appreciate visitors. I found this out after one of them threw a load of fresh poop at me. Thankfully it only hit my leg, but it was on skin, so that was gross. Armin about shit his pants laughing- and I laughed, too. It was really pretty funny.

After a long day of lounging around, we hitched a cab back home and had some dinner. I finished it off with a crepe filled with nutella and bananas. I am still stuffed!

When dinner was over, I went online and discovered your wonderful blog comments. They are so touching, really. And indeed, you're right, YOU ARE taking this journey with me. I am not alone, and I know this. I think about this throughout the day.

All of this makes me feel overly sentiment tonight, because today is my 4 year anniversary from quitting the drugs and booze. 4 years ago, I was at a party, reflecting on my first week of being in the outpatient treatment program, and I had a beer in hand. But when I finished it, I thought to myself how empty it felt. Yes, the can was empty, certainly, but my stomach felt bloated, and I didn't even have a buzz. And I thought, why am I doing this? What's the point anymore? I felt defeated- I knew I could continue to drink, but what would be the point of just drinking beer if it never made me drunk, and I certainly didn't want to get drunk from vodka or anything else because I already knew that no longer did anything good for me either (only blackouts, wetting the bed, and a three day hangover that made me want to die because at least then I wouldn't have to feel the pain in my stomach and head- not to mention the agony of trying to piece together the events of the previous evening and always knowing that I would likely owe someone profuse apologies). In other words, I was at a dead-end, and I knew it. So when I finished that last beer, I went home and committed myself to not drinking for the remainder of my time in the outpatient program (it was a 30 day program). I had nothing to lose, and if I didn't like it, I could always return to drinking at the end of the program. Thankfully I didn't. The rest, as they say, is history.

Four years later, I feel just as crazy and confused as ever, but rationally, I know this is only partially true. Everyone's crazy and confused to some extent, so, GOOD. That part is settled. However, I have something now that I never had before: HP (i.e., Higher Power). Well, yes, I had it before, I just didn't know it; kind of like Dorothy (if you didn't chuckle, I did!). I won't get too much into God stuff, because you each have your own experiences anyway. Actually... that's all I want to say about it. I think the Big Book says it best:

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."

This passage pretty much sums up the past four years, and it will continue to work for me as long as I continue to work for it. That being said, I haven't mastered this program by any stretch of the word, and at times (sometimes too frequent), all of those old "things" (e.g., self-pity, insecurities, fear) pop right back up. But, that's why I have this program- so I can cut them right back down and live a life worth living. And today, I am struck with awe and gratitude that I am here, in Senegal, doing something that I NEVER thought I would be capable of doing. The old voice would tell me that, "this is the kind of stuff reserved for those other people, not for people like me. This is the kind of work reserved for people of courage and strength, not for someone like me." And yes, that old voice pops up almost every day, especially now that I am finally here. This, to me, is the disease of alcoholism. And, to me, this is equally deadly as taking that first drink, because if I were to listen to that voice, regardless of whether I chose to drink, if I listened to that voice I would surely NOT be living. I might be alive and sober, but if I listened to that voice, I would die a spiritual and emotional death. And for me, that would be worse than picking up the bottle or the pipe.

Wow- I didn't realize I had all that to say! Must have been a God thing. That's alright. I'm cool with that. Hmm.. I don't know what else to say.. I think I'm done for the evening. Blessings to all of you, and thanks for sharing another day with me.

Witnessing history, but not sure how

2008-05-31T14:16:00.000-07:00

I left off in my last post getting ready to leave with Vicki for this conference thingy. I really didn't know much about it, other than Vicki had been invited as a panel member, and the subject was on Wolof history (of which she is an expert). I also knew that the professor leading the panel, Mbaye Thiam, is someone that Vicki thought I should talk to regarding my project on peacemaking. It's very interesting how she put this together- I'll go into it in a bit.

When we showed up we were greeted by a very handsome, meticulously dressed, 20-something year old student who then ushered us to Prof. Thiam. Vicki made introductions in French, then he said a few things in French (which I didn't understand because he spoke too fast), and I said, "Enchanter" (on-shawn-tay; means = enchanted, or delightful, to meet you) and smiled. Good enough for the moment. Then we scheduled a time to meet on Tuesday so we could talk more about ideas. Vicki and I sat down, he left so he could prepare for the panel, and we talked while we people-watched. There were several (probably 200+) students who came to this event. All of them were members of a student organization at the University that is concerned about maintaining the cultural heritage of the Wolof. All of the students, of course, have Wolof ancestry, but not all are of the same ethnic heritage- so it's like a broad, unifying umbrella. I don't mean to suggest ethnic conflict, because there isn't. But, there are distinctions, and sometimes it comes into politics. Therefore, any kind of unification is a good thing. And, by coming together, the students get to learn more about their family ancestries and how they are connected into each other's social networks. Networking, but so much more than that; it's also about getting in touch with their roots, which Vicki says is important because they are losing this, and fast.

Colonization is partly, if not largely, to blame for the quickly fading history and knowledge of Wolof traditions. Prior to European invasion (and later settled by the French), West Africans had several thriving democracies. These institutions can be traced back to at least the 13th century, when the first Wolof leader (and his family) came into power. Leaders were elected to power, and citizens paid tribute to them (through goods, services, taxes, etc), so long as the elected officials were able to provide protection and security. If leaders did not fulfill this obligation, or if they did it poorly, people could pack their things and move to the next territory and pay tribute to another leader (one who COULD provide protection and security). If people left, then the leader would have no power. And, this happened; this was how West Africans provided checks and balances to their leaders' power, and to their use of that power. In my mind, "If you fuck up, I'll take my shit and leave and you'll be nothing- how do you like them apples, beyotch?!" People could move so easily like this because land was an abundance and therefore not a resource per se. People, not land, were the resources. Thus, this system provided for a strong democracy in the sense that there were several checks and balances to the leader's power, and to their use of power.

When the French came, everything changed. I can't go into all that here, but I will definitely return to it at some point. In any case, knowing this history is important, not just for young Africans, but also for the world. What I witnessed today, then, were the efforts of Professor Thiam to give this back to those students. He didn't have this when he was their age- he had to learn it on his own. He had to learn about the traditions of the Wolof in libraries and archives, but he is giving them the gift of going onwards with their education with this knowledge in tote. It will be the bridge that links them back to their families so that they don't have to cut ties with that heritage. It was a momentous occasion, as Vicki said. And I wouldn't have known this if she hadn't have told me, for which I'm incredibly grateful. I witnessed something beautiful, and I didn't even know it. Oh, but did I mention how difficult this experience was for me? It was. I could understand very little of what the panel members said, and I felt extremely uncomfortable being there. The whole time I felt like people were wondering, "Who is this kid, and what is he here for?" And, I'm sure they were wondering something like this. It's ok, but it did make me uncomfortable thinking about it. I felt very much out of my element- and I started to think to myself how difficult this kind of work is (i.e., this kind of "on the ground" cross-cultural work) for this very reason. And, at first I couldn't see myself enduring this kind of discomfort on a regular basis, but my conversation with Vicki later helped me to understand that yes, it was hard, and yes, it is hard, but that's how it is, and it does get better.

So, I promised I would say something more about Professor Thiam and how I might be able to learn from him. I'm getting tired now, so this may be brief, and I may miss several important points, so if I do, please ask for clarification (this is always true- I hope you know this- you do now). Part of Thiam's efforts to reclaim Wolof heritage is to further explore and document ancient Wolof proverbs. If I were working alone, I wouldn't have the insight to consult him, but I've realized from my discussions with Vicki that those proverbs might be the perfect place to start learning about Wolof traditions of peacemaking. In other words, and I know this for a fact, themes of peacemaking are present in the oral traditions of Wolof people. I know this because I have already read about the oral traditions of the first Wolof King, in which it is commonly told that he was a peacemaker wherever he went. Why is this important? Because it says something about what the Senegalese value today- maintaining peace. I think knowing the content and history of proverbs can do the same thing- they can show how and why Senegalese maintain peace.

---
I just had a really awesome conversation with Vicki just now. I asked her, "Why Africa? How did you get into this?" And her answer was everything I needed to hear tonight. That's all I want to say about that for now. Suffice it to say that it produced an emotional experience that helped me get a little bit closer to my own truth. And, it lead me to write this:

Wow, what a day. This is it. I am living it. I'm having the feeling of being connected to my "child-self." I don't know what that is, or if there's a better term to describe it, but it's a starting point at least. I know that what I just felt was reminiscent of how I felt as a 9 year old- just being totally present and doing whatever it was I enjoyed doing, having no worries or fears about the future, feeling no pressure to do this or do that, and just.. I don't know, being? Why did I have to come to Africa for that? Or, what am I supposed to learn here? What am I supposed to do with this? I don't know, yet. But, this feeling I have right now is something I haven't felt since childhood, and I know this because it wasn't familiar at first; I had to listen, and it had to come. I didn't realize I had been without it, because I didn't know it was at one time. WOW! Seriously, I am almost weirded out. This reminds me of a book I read about this guy having a conversation with God (in fact, that was the title!)-- there's a part in the book in which he asks God, "God, if you really have ALL power, why do you allow bad things to happen?" The million dollar question, right? The question we all have at one or more points in our lives. And God's answer was very logical, in my opinion, that all things are relative, and that you need to have the opposite of something to be able to experience it. I'm not doing this passage justice, AT ALL, but, I like how it works with my feeling tonight because it describes it well- I didn't know what I had experienced in childhood as a child, because I knew nothing else. And, even later, when that sense of being present slipped away, I hadn't realized it had slipped away. But just now, it's like I had a flashback of how that once felt, and now I know. That is really f'ing cool if you ask me! Really, really, cool. I didn't know it was possible.

a late entry for Friday...

2008-05-31T08:01:00.001-07:00

Today is Saturday, and it’s about 11:30am here. I didn’t get a chance to blog last night, but I’ll write now about yesterday, and then hopefully later write more about the happenings of today. I’m actually trying to upload a video to the blog as I write this- we’ll see how that goes. I don’t know if the internet connection is strong enough. Here’s an update on the internet situation: the internet hook-up guys said we would have wi-fi by Friday (yesterday), but then yesterday, our landlord told us that when Senegalese say Friday, they usually mean Tuesday. C’est la vie, and that’s just how it goes. So, we roll with it. It’s ok. It just delays when I can start doing more fun stuff with the blog like posting more photos and videos. No big deal for now, although a few of you (I think) are getting rather excited to see me in my bou-bous, and for good reason. So, to you, I say a Senegalese proverb: the patient one will catch the monkey.

I have had much feedback on the last few blogs- and I appreciate this. Knowing that people back home are reading this makes me feel so connected, and that is a gift. So thank you.

I want to say a few things about the Wolof classes, and then move on to other things. First, I’ve been whining a lot about this, and feeling all sorts of feelings about it- frustration, self-pity, anger- but I have a break from all that this weekend, and I believe that this will be necessary to process what those feelings are about and whether it’s in my best interest to quit or to continue the classes. The inner conflict is this: I don’t want to quit the classes if these feelings are part of culture shock (which I believe is a good possibility). If, however, the feelings are more from a desire to just dive in to my research, then I think I probably should quit, or at least cut back on the amount of time spent in class (e.g., maybe just skip the afternoon portions). Another thought I had is that I really don’t know if this is the only time I’ll ever come to Senegal- it may be the first and last, or it may be the first of many. I can’t possibly know that right now. So, because of that, I am leaning towards sticking it out. Also, if I did quit, there would be no refund for next week’s lessons, and this would be a good amount of money wasted (I paid $300 for the entire course). This is where I stand on the matter. I have the whole weekend to take a rest from it and gather my thoughts. For now though, I’m just going to live in the moment and see what this day has in store for me. Good, thanks, Ryan for giving that to yourself.

Ok, so now about yesterday: After our morning session of Wolof, a few of us walked to the West African Research Center (WARC), which is located near the University of Cheikh Anta Diop (aka, U. of Dakar), ---- oh, I have a story about Cheikh Anta Diop. Apparently he was a scientist, and he was the first person to ever transcribe the Wolof language. He developed the first Wolof dictionary, and he translated the first Western book into Wolof. ----- ok, so we walked to WARC, which was about a 30 minute walk (never again! Too hot for that), and once we got there we got a nice tour of its facilities. There were several offices for professors who hold affiliations there, and there was an incredible library of West African literature (from both African and Western scholars). It was like being allowed inside a treasure trove. I know, GEEK! It was exciting, and I can’t wait to go back and start picking through their collection!!!

After our visit to WARC, I negotiated with a taxi driver to take us back to Baobab. He wanted to charge 1300 CFAs (roughly $3.50), but I got him down to 1000 (about $2.50). I gave you the exact amounts because I want you to know how weird it is to barter over the difference of $1.00. It is so cheap for me, either way. But that is what you do here, so...? I don’t really feel weird about it until I stop to think about how much I’m actually saving, which is not much.

When we got back to Baobab, we were invited to take part in the cultural values session they were giving for another group of students who had just arrived. They, the Baobab Center, do this for every group that comes through. We had ours a few days after we arrived, and that’s when I had my first encounter with communal eating (remember- the fish in the middle of the bowl and no utensils). For each session like this, they like to have a few members from other groups who have been here longer (sort of like a big-brother big-sister sort of thing). So we had lunch with this group, which is large (about 20 women from Boston University). I still can’t tell you how amazed I am that I enjoy the fish here! And, I thoroughly enjoy eating with my hands! It’s liberating.

There was a woman in that Boston University group that said some really ethnocentric comments. I wasn’t at her bowl, but Scott was, and he was outraged. I guess she said something about how eating with hands was so primitive, and how her impression of Senegalese so far is that they are stuck in the 17^th century, and that their hands are so dirty she’s disgusted they would eat out of them. And the kicker was when they put the bowl in front of everyone and people started digging in, she cupped her mouth and ran out of the room!!! I know these students will be staying with families, and if she’s like this now, she’s not going to survive even one week. I hope, for her sake, that she opens up, but part of me wants to round up people like her and… well, maybe put them on a deserted island somewhere and let them live peacefully amongst themselves. Ignorance!

After lunch we finished up Wolof, and after that, we went to a bar around the corner. Some of the guys had already been there, and I didn’t want to be a Debbie-Downer, so I went along. It was fine- I got a Fanta orange- it was delicious! As we were sitting there, several street sellers walked through the bar (it was an outside, covered patio) selling their goods- some had shoes, some had plastic dinner plates, another had peanuts (those are everywhere- every street corner there’s a woman, squatting, while her peanuts roast- it’s a huge production here), another had phone-cards, another had dish-towels. It was like being on the home shopping network and never having to get up! I didn’t buy anything, except for this fake Armani belt from a young boy (maybe 10?)—he was working me, too! I was amazed at his ability to barter; his confidence and persistence. Normally I think clothes or accessories that shout labels are obnoxious, but I actually did need a belt for one pair of shorts I brought, so I figured what the heck. Bartering with a 10 year old definitely made me feel like an old colonialist taking advantage of his “people.” It was kind of uncomfortable, but again, I have to remind myself that this is how it is here.

When we returned to the apartment (8:30 ish), our cook was there with another delicious meal- paella! This was a first for me. I liked it- wasn’t crazy about it, but I liked it. I also decided to start taking photos of all her meals.

Ok, I better go now. It’s Saturday afternoon, and I’m about to go with Vicki to some sort of presentation at the University. I’ll try to blog again later tonight before I go to bed- get back on my schedule! Until then…

Born to be... WILD?

2008-05-29T15:59:00.000-07:00

God bless my brother and sister, Tony and Rachel. You guys are the greatest! Your comments have nourished me at a time when I really needed it. You also make me chuckle- I swear, no matter how old I get, I know it will always be the same damn story, "He was the devil's child, with 666 on the back of his head. He ruined my lipstick, crushed my Faberge egg, tried on my prom-dress (oops, Rach, did you know that? lol...), he was, in a nutshell, a little spit-fire." And for the rest of my life, I will always say: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!?!?! haha... but I do, and I know it well. Somehow, and it's a greater mystery to me than to anyone else, that devilish nature turned into something that makes sense to me. It probably still doesn't make much sense to anyone else, as so many said: Africa?! Why, what for?! And I guess, for this question, my answer wasn't, and still isn't, at all logical. BUT, I've learned to trust that wild instinct because no matter how hard I try to fit in to the mold that society would have me be, I just can't seem to make sense that way. But this, this absurdness, this makes sense. Not in the traditional, linear, 2+2=4 kind of way, but just.. true. It doesn't need testing- it needs no theoretical basis, other than pure experience. And my experience thus far has shown me that if I listen to the world communicate with me, as I'm doing now, as I write this, then I can do nothing "wrong" per se.

God I REALLY needed to hear myself say that- truly. I've been feeling indifferent all day. I needed a bit of self-affirmation, so thanks for giving me that opportunity! Is that the correct word, though- indiffierent? I'm not sure.. confused? No, not confused.. just a state of gray, an in-between place, similar to how I felt just prior to leaving; I knew I was doing the right thing, but I didn't know what the outcome would be. Funny, I'm still feeling that way- I hadn't put that together until now.

I've been in "gray space" (HAH, purgatory!) all day because I've been wondering whether I should cancel the rest of my prepaid Wolof lessons. I have one more week- 4 hours each day. I guess it's not that much. It still leaves 4 hours to get research done... but I HATE them- there, I said it. I really do. Our class is a bazillion degrees, there's a sheep outside our window that beighhhhhs every 5 seconds (it's not cute either- it's really violent- it reminds me of the force I had when vomiting the other day, with every muscle squashing inwards), and I can't grasp the material fast enough. I didn't want to write about this, but I guess I needed to! In some way, this will help me make my decision. Shit- I can't yet tell which voice is the one to listen to- the voice that's telling me to drop it and move on, or the voice that's telling me to suck it up and finish it. They're both so devilish! Dammit. Well, I suppose the answer will reveal itself when it's supposed to. Right now I'm leaning toward sticking it out because something is telling me that it will be useful, even though I can't visualize how yet. Shit. I so didn't want that answer.

Hah, Armin is having a field-day swapping mosquitos.. cute. I wonder if I should shower, or just be gross tomorrow. I can't make up my mind. I'm kind of tired. Shower would be nice, though. Relaxing, soothing. Oh wow, sorry, you didn't need to see that line of thinking.. it's just so hot, I think my brain has melted.

I want to talk now about some sights and smells from today, and I'm going to make sure I do that before I take that glorious shower. I promised myself. Let me start with the morning- me and Yemi walked down Bourguiba Ave. to the bank so that we could exchange our American cash for CFA's. If we continue down Bourguiba, we eventually end up at Rue 9, and this is where the Baobab Center is located. We usually don't take that route in the morning, however, because it's a lot more chaotic and it's a bit out of the way. We did today though so we could stop by the bank. So we did, and we changed our money, and we continued on our merry way. I will have to take pictures of this road though. There are 3 lanes; the outside lanes operate in opposite directions, but the middle lane is this sort of "gray space" that can be anything you want it to be as long as you don't cause an accident. In other words, in the course of 5 blocks, you can see that middle lane used for both directions, switched back and forth, maybe 3 times (North-South-North, e.g.). Then, on either side of the road, there are, of course, sidewalks, which are used, but almost as much as the 1 foot of space left on the road to the curb- such that on either side of the road, in addition to the 3 lanes, you have a steady beat of people walking on the extra space left. Taxi's honk when they think you're too far out, and then you move in slightly closer to the curb. Or, they honk because they think you might need a ride, so they try to grab your attention, as if you don't see them heading toward you. They also honk as they approach intersections because there really aren't stoplights. So, of course, they slow down, honk, make sure they know what the others are doing, and then make their move. Miraculously, this appears to be relatively safe. I haven't heard of any accidents. I never see a banged up taxi cab, or car for that matter. 7 out of 10 cars are taxis, by the way- they're everywhere. You can't go 2 seconds without hearing one honk. It's kind of funny- and you get used to it.

Shit- I just spent forever talking about the taxi's, when I really wanted to talk about the school-children we walked past on our walk back to the Baobab Center (after our lunch time siesta). They were beautiful- eating candies sold on the street, joking, chasing each other, getting attitude, just too cute. Sassy. There's more about this, but it will have to wait until tomorrow. I should really go to bed- it's 1am here. Yikes! This has become so important to me though- I don't want to neglect it. It helps me, and I believe it keeps me connected to you as well, and this makes me happy. So, good. We'll see each other again, tomorrow.

Media, negativity, and tenderness

2008-05-28T15:13:00.002-07:00

I'm finding that I'm working longer days here than I have in a few years.. seriously, the whole day is full of stuff. But this is good. I'm accomplishing something. This morning we had more Wolof lessons, then a large break in the afternoon (we will have this schedule for the next week, and then we're done with Wolof lessons), and then some more Wolof to end the day. Then, at 5:30, I attended a panel hosted by the Baobab Center. This was really interesting- there were 3 panel members, two of them journalists (a Senegalese man who works for a Senegalese paper; and an American woman who's a West Africa correspondent to the Associated Press) and one photojournalist. The purpose of this panel was that it would serve as an event to draw together Senegalese students and American students so that they can share a common experience and mingle, essentially. The Baobab Center is committed to having one event like this at least once every month, but the demand seems high (on both sides), so I bet they'll have more if they can find ways to do it cheaply, or with no over-head. Anyway, first I'll describe the panel and then I'll talk about the mingling.

The topic of the panel was pretty loose and informal, but basically they just opened by telling us their history and how they got into journalism, and then the audience asked them a bunch of questions about differences between being a journalist in the U.S. versus Africa. I was particularly curious about the American journalist, and how she balances the requests of her employer with her own personal ethics and sense of responsibility. I had thought of this because it reminded me of my own experiences thus far in the blog-o-sphere and how I am conscious every night when I blog about the language that I use to describe my experiences here. I am conscious of this because I realize the power of language, and my fear is that something that I write will only confirm the negative stereotypes or images we have of Africa (as Americans). For example, when I wrote about the Talibe (the kids who beg for money, as ordered by their spiritual teacher), I was very concerned about sounding ethnocentric, or at least using language that promoted such thoughts. Of course, I'm not saying that you (people who are reading this) would be so easily swayed; in fact, I know I surround myself with like-minded individuals; but in any case, it's possible for anyone (even those with good intentions, like myself) to come to false conclusions when not presented with the entire (double-, triple-, quadruple-sided, etc) story.

But it's not easy, however, to give multiple sides of a story. And I think because of this, I have unintentionally left out some of my experiences here because I was not sure how to couch them in language that was purely objective and/or descriptive. Long story short (and the conclusion to this episode), is that I am going to try and give more- I have a responsibility to do this much, both to you and to the Senegalese.

But, back to the original purpose of this entry- I wanted to talk more about this journalism panel, and the discussion that ensued when it was over. Ah yes, so I asked the above question to the American journalist (I explained to her my experiences blogging, and how she balances her job's demands with her own ethical/social responbility), and her answer was simple: She forces herself to find stories that balance the negative images. For example, she told the story of one visit to the airport, in the evening, and how she was confused as to why there were a bunch of teens in the parking lot just lounging around. And then a friend told her why: They are students who come here at night to study, because their is a constant source of electricity and bright lights in the airport parking lot! So, there you have it- a story that tells you about the capacity of human resilience to overcome certain barriers to life achievements.

It's interesting though, how Americans, including me, are so much more drawn to negative events. I know this phenomenon has been documented in social psychological literature- that we pay more attention to, and have better remembrance for, negative things than we do for positive things. I'm not sure what the parameters of those findings are (e.g., a positive thing, such as a marriage ceremony, is obviously more memorable than yesterday's traffic jam), and whether these findings apply to other cultures. In any case-and I'll speak directly for myself here-I know it's easy for me to always find the negative in something, and, unfortunately, it's also easy for me to dwell on that negativity until I lose sight of all that is good. So, just like the journalist who forces herself to look for the good, I am going to make more of an effort to do the same. This will also resolve the conflict I've had in my head about choosing whether or not to go into detail about the poverty (for example), and if I choose to write about it, how can I make sure that I'm doing it in a responsible way?

Several other points were interesting in the panel, but I'll mention one other before I move on to something more sweet. There was a question, related to mine, that asked about the responsibility of the media toward vulnerable groups of people that may be targeted as a result of media attention. For example, the most recent situation, as you may have heard about, involved the media's attention some photos of a gay "marriage" and how this produced a riot, and subsequent witch-hunting. Prior to this media coverage, if my understanding is correct, the Senegalese didn't talk much about the possibility of there being gay fellows amongst them. So the question then became: When is it more ethical or responsible to hold back information rather than to release it to the public, and how does one decide upon this? More importantly, WHO decides this? One can easily see where these questions lead, both good and bad.

After the panel, there was a reception with refreshments. This was the sweet part of the day because I got to socialize with Senegalese college students. It was sweet because they were sweet. Almost immediately after the panel ended, several Senegalese students approached me and asked my name and welcomed me, etc. It was delightful. They want to practice their English with native speakers, so this was great for me! Yes, it's "fun" communicating in another language, but it gets tiring, quickly! But it was more than that- they seemed genuinely concerned about making me feel welcomed into their culture, and for wanting to get to know more about mine. I know it sounds soooo after-school special, but it's true- what else can I say?

Their greetings were long and intimate- for the first few minutes (while we were exchanging names, how long I've been here, how long I plan to be here, what we both study), our hands were locked in a perpetual handshake. And it's not the "I'm gonna squeeze the shit out of your hand so you know how manly I am" kind of bullshit- no, it's soft, gentle, and intimate. Almost too intimate for someone not accustomed to that- in fact, I kept finding myself battling my reflexes to pull away after immediate hand-to-hand contact. After the first few handshakes, I didn't feel the need to fight that urge anymore, and my hand rested peacefully in theirs, and theirs in mine. It's tender. I like it. When I had to leave for dinner, one of them playfully teased me, "Ah yes, American, 'time is money'!" I laughed, knew that it wasn't true for this instance, and moved closer to the door. But then, of course, someone new approached me and wanted to exchange email addresses (like the others), and so on and so forth. I did leave, eventually, but next time I will have to start leaving a half-hour before I actually need to leave. This is the Senegalese way, man.

a very non-exciting day

2008-05-27T15:23:00.000-07:00

Today I stayed home until 3, and then I went in for my Wolof lesson. I had missed two sessions, so it was difficult to keep up with the others. I'm also feeling like the lessons might be overkill to the extent that I will actually use Wolof while I'm here. I believe most people I want to talk to speak French, and that will work for me. But I don't think I'll need to know any Wolof. Whatever- it's interesting, and I guess I can use it with the taxi drivers and other strangers I meet. It's so damn hard, though! It doesn't follow the rules we have for English, French, or any other language. For example, there are no verb conjugations per se, but to add a tense to your verb you add another word to complete the sentence (called a "completive marker"). It's confusing, and I'm getting frustrated with it.

After class we came back home, did some reading, and then our cook arrived with homemade lasagne. I could only eat a bit of the lasagne (because my stomach is still sore), but it was tasty! She also brought me a traditional remedy for the stomach ailments- there is a national tree here in Senegal called the Baobab, and it produces a fruit that can be mashed up and eaten. So, she brought some of this over, and then she prepared it for me by mashing it up in a cup of water with some sugar. It was good! I don't know what to compare it to- it's a little bitter, but also a bit tangy. Is that possible? I don't know.. the flavor is hard to describe, like I said! In any case, it was extremely nice of Sayda (our cook) to bring this for me.

Vicki, Armin, and Yemi were extremely helpful last night as well. But today, I started to feel the urge to get away from them. It was nice having a few hours ALONE today when I stayed back, and I think I'll need that from time to time. Otherwise it's like being around people 24/7, and it's starting to irritate me. Hmm... maybe I should do some meditations like my sponsor suggested... yes, I'll go do that. Ok, sorry, I'm cutting this short for now. -- tomorrow we have 4 more hours of Wolof, and then we are free for the day. I'll probably start focusing more on my research then.

ok, a bientot!
Ryan

just a quick note to say I'm better

2008-05-27T02:12:00.000-07:00

it's Tuesday morning and I woke up feeling much better- so don't worry. I am staying home today though to get my energy back. My body still feels pretty weak.

the good news- I'll probably be back to myself tomorrow.

will try blogging more later..

dia-rhe-bas cha-cha-cha dia-rhe-bas cha-cha-cha

2008-05-26T13:17:00.000-07:00

I won't get into the details, but I've been in bed since lunch time today VERY sick from whatever I had at lunch. I think it was the tomatoes in the sandwich I ate- you're not supposed to eat vegetables or fruit from restaurants unless you know they've put them through bleach water. And of course, I didn't ask... I was STARVING, and hot, and tired from the long walk.

Anyway, it's been a long day- my body was expunging everything from both ends (Sorry), and it was probably the most painful experience I've had like this. It felt like my entire body was caving in but there was no where for organs and things to go, so it just hurt like hell. I took an immodium, and that has stopped the diarrhea, but my stomach has been sour and sore ever since that last bout. I ate half a banana, and have been trying to get some fluids down, including Gatorade (to replenish sodium and potassium), but it's a very slow process. If I drink or eat too much my body cramps up and I fear the whole process will start over again. So I back off. I HATE THIS!!!! I feel like such a god damn drama queen, but I literally can't get out of bed for more than a walk to the kitchen and back. Vicki, Armin, and Yemi are so helpful, thank god. They brought me my laptop so I could blog from bed, and Vicki has been bringing me water. I just want my MOMMY!!!!!! I hate being sick, especially tummy-aches. The diarrhea I can live with- that's even kind of fun in a sick and disgusting way that makes me appreciate how the body works, but puking is the worst. WHAAAAAHHH!!!!! can somebody come and lay with me and caress my head and tell me that it will be all better???? I'll love you forever!!!!

Anyway, enough dramatiques, I have nothing else to report because I only had our Wolof lesson this morning, then we had lunch, and then.... so, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day and I'll blog about some fun things, rather than dia-rhe-bas.

Love,
Ryan

Lac Rose and the green bou-bou

2008-05-25T14:42:00.000-07:00

Bon soir, dear loved ones,

today we took an hour long taxi ride to the Lac Rose. On our way, we stopped at this famous church and attended their Sunday morning service. They are well known in the Francophone world because of their soothing hymns and chants they sing in French. I had never heard of them before, but now I know why they are so popular- it was beautiful; touching; tranquil. They accompany their voices with two instruments- a guitar that looks like a giant banjo (and Vicki says it is probably the ancestor of the banjo), and a giant hollowed-out gourd that's used as a drum. The banjo is also made from a giant gourd; the name of it is, Kora. You might google image it if you're curious.

After the service we went to Lac Rose. When we pulled up, I noticed the pink shimmer almost instantly- it was faint at first, and our views were obstructed by the huge salt mounds (I'll explain this...) but as we got closer I could see that large parts of the lake had a pinkish/purple tint. It was a sight to see. I took videos and pictures, and will hopefully post them soon (when we get legitimate internet here... otherwise it's almost impossible to upload images, and especially videos). There were also a few colorful fishing boats scattered around the coast- I have pictures of those, too. Why's the lake pink? I'm not entirely sure.. but, I know it has something to do with the high concentration of salt (and some other substance). The salt is so great that it-the lake- has been used as a source of trading for centuries. In fact, the lake played a large role in trade between West Africa and North Africa, and also Europe and Asia because it produced so much salt. Well, I don't know if produced is the right word.. I think it's more like there's huge salt deposits in it. I should read up on this- there's a passage in the Senegal travel guide I have, but I've been too lazy to bone up on it. This explains the huge salt pyramids surrounding the lake. In fact, while we were there we noticed a few flat-bed trailers being loaded up with packaged sacks of salt- this was at one end of the lake. At the other end of the lake there was a small village and tourist resort. The small village hosted their own market, which was much more amenable than the one's in downtown Dakar. I was able to actually browse through their products without anyone bothering me. I hadn't intended to shop, however, so I didn't have much money on me. But, one of the vendors noticed that I took a special liking for one of his bou-bou's, and he insisted that I buy it. I explained to him that I needed my money for lunch and the taxi ride home, but he wanted to know how much money I had left if I factored that out. The original price of the bou-bou was 20,000 CFA's (divide by 400 to get $$), but then he brought it down to 15,000. I wasn't even trying to barter with him; I was honestly telling him that I couldn't spend my money! I knew that I had 16,000 CFA's, and that I would need at least 6,000 of that for the rest of the day, leaving behind 10,000, which I figured would be an insult to offer him. But when he asked me how much I would have left over after factoring out lunch and taxi, he said alright! So I got my bou-bou for 10,000, which was probably what a local would have paid after bartering with him (a Toubob, like me, probably would have only got it down to 15,000), so that was pretty nice, especially when I wasn't even trying to barter with him! Seriously, I was just trying to get him to understand that I didn't have enough money, but what I did have, he wanted it, so it was a win-win situation, I think.

After this, we had lunch, and then we took a swim in the lake. This was an experience to remember! Yes, the water, being so full of salt, practically PUSHES you up and out of it when you sit in it!!! You float in it, literally feeling like you have an air-mattress underneath you. It was the strangest feeling. The water itself was kind of slimey, which was at the same time kind of gross and luxurious. When we got out of it, there was a layer of slimey film on our skin, so we had to take a quick shower- this was accomplished by standing near a stream while someone from the resort splashed buckets of fresh water on us. It was kind of fun actually- the guy made gestures to pull out the front and back of our swim trunks so he could empty the bucket down there; so it was a full body shower, no slime left down there or anywhere, which was thankful! Even the shower though didn't remove all the slime, so all during the ride home I kept touching my arms and legs to feel how incredibly soft they were- it was if I had just had the most luxurious spa skin treatment. As soon as I got home though I took a long shower and then put on my new bou-bou. I've been wearing it ever since, and I don't know how I will go back to wearing my other clothes... it's so damn comfortable!

That's it for now- I have nothing more interesting to say. I have to study for our Wolof exam tomorrow. Goodnight!

part deux...

2008-05-24T16:22:00.000-07:00

By the way, today was the first day that I wished I could be transported home for even just a few hours... I feel I need a break from this- the heat, the dirt, the crowds, the other students- all of it. I don't need a break yet from the food- still LOVING this.. and of course, I miss everyone. I've received a few voicemails, and that has made a big difference in my day, so please continue to do this!

Downtown market craziness

2008-05-24T15:50:00.001-07:00

Hello all,

it is almost 11pm my time, and I am about to take a cold shower to cool off. I am covered in dust/dirt from so much walking today, and I'm a bit sunburned, too. This morning's Wolof lesson was followed by a trip to downtown, where we spent the majority of the day. We walked around for hours looking at sites, including the President's house and office, but must of our time was spent in the grand markets. This experience was too much. Why? Because I'm a Toubob (two-bob). This is the word that Senegalese use for white people/foreigners. It used to have a negative connotation to it (when they used it to refer to the French), but now it can also be used playfully. In any case, being a white tourist says, "Approach me, I have money." So, going through the markets today was this, constantly. And, vendors are determined, so even after saying no, I'm not interested, they will persist until you are firm. It was too much. That combined with the heat and the sheer amount of people (which was plenty), made me entirely ready to leave downtown after almost 5 minutes of this. But, we stuck around and saw the different stalls and products. There were so many interesting things- African masks, traditional and modern clothes (many of the modern clothes are imitation designers, which could be fun if one were in the mood for browsing), food, bags, shoes, fabric, and countless other things. Anything you want, you could find it there. It was like the grand bazaar in Istanbul, but unlike the vendors in Istanbul, the vendors here were way too pushy. In Istanbul, you could browse, window-shop, etc. without any pressure to buy anything. But here, the second you stop, dozens of vendors crowd around you to try to sell you their goods. And all of them are persistent, like I said, so you can see how this becomes exhausting. I think if I weren't such a visual person it wouldn't have bothered me nearly as much, and maybe I could have pushed through it without much problem, but I simply couldn't. That being said though, I don't think any of the other students had a good time either. Some of the vendors were so pushy that they would follow us for several blocks. That was uncomfortable. And, because we were with a Senegalese woman as our guide, they worked hard on her, trying to get her on their side so that she would take us to their stall. But, because she knew this already (she's done this several times as a guide), she was pretty stern with them. Even then, they stuck around until we walked far enough and then they gave up. But then they were just replaced by another aggressive vendor!! haha.. oy vey... too much...

When we were done with downtown, our tour guide asked if we'd like to see her workshop/studio. She has her own non-profit org that helps single women to develop craft-making skills (baskets, clothes, etc) so that they can make a livelihood before getting married. It is good for them to have this, because there's a high likelihood that after they get married, they will have to provide for themselves. This is because men are allowed to take second, third, etc. wives and once they do this, there is no guarantee that he will provide equally for all wives. He may choose to focus on one wife and their children only. If this happens, then the wife who is not supported is screwed if she does not already have a skill/trade. So, this is the purpose of Adama's (our tour guide) organization. It's a good purpose. We agreed to visit her studio, and I found a beautiful boubou (the traditional outfit worn by men here- a very long and flowing shirt that comes down past the thighs and matching pants). It is maroon with some lighter patterns. I can't wait to wear it. I will be the Toubob in the boubou. It could either arouse laughter or appreciation from the locals- or both. We'll see. This won't be the only one, though. I will probably buy some fabric and have one tailored- it's not that expensive to have that done, and our tour guide can hook us up. Yemi will have a dress made- she bought some beautiful fabric today at the market. I'd like to have an all white one, and maybe a baby-blue one. These are popular colors. There's also a lovely shade of green that's common- kind of like a very light emerald. I'm sure there's a name for it. Chartruse? Whatever. It's gorgeous.

Tomorrow we're going to the church and Lac Rose. Looking forward to it! I think that's all for tonight. I'm dead tired and still need that shower. So, for now, asaala malaakum! (peace be with you).

2008-05-23T15:52:00.000-07:00

Eating with hands

2008-05-23T12:41:00.000-07:00

Hello friends and family!

Today was a beautiful day in Dakar. We had another Wolof lesson this morning- it was difficult. We learned the full set of conjugations for "to be" and their respective pronouns and object whatevers.. learning this stuff in English wasn't easy, and it wasn't easy for French either, at least for me, it takes awhile for this kind of stuff to sink in. The other kids didn't seem to find it so difficult. Being the oldest of the bunch, it reminded me of my community college days when I would get irritated with the older "returning student" who asked too many questions, except that this time I was the older student! Hah! Karma....

After our Wolof session, we had lunch, Senegalese style! The dish is called, Cebu Jen, and I believe it is the national dish. It consists of a huge communal bowl of rice, with a whole cooked fish in the center surrounded by various vegetables (sweet potatoes, potatoes, eggplant, tomatoes, onions, cabbage). It's communal because everyone sits around it (on the floor) and eats with their right hand. There are a few rules to this: You must eat with the right hand only (there are superstitions about using the left hand), you must wait for the host to start, you must not go for the food in the center unless the host encourages it, you wait for the host to distribute bits of the fish and veggies to you, and you must stay within your little piece of the pie so to speak (that is, you don't go grabbin' food from areas not directly in front of you- this is like going into someone else's space). To eat this way, you grab a handful of rice and other goodies (fish and veggies), and you squeeze it together in your hand to make a ball (like making cookies), and then you can eat it. This is the traditional way of eating Cebu Jen, but many families do use utensils. It's fun, though. And, when you're done, it's considered rude if you don't lick every bit of rice off of your hand. So there you go- Senegalese style. And, just to be clear, I DID EAT THE FISH! AND, IT WAS YUMMY!

After lunch, we had a fantastic cultural values session, in which we learned about various cultural norms (do's and don'ts), but also more interesting things like cultural superstitions and concepts related to humility, group harmony and cohesiveness, family, hospitality, etc. I found this very helpful for my research, too. Specifically, one of the phrases we learned was, "Those who are patient will smile" or something very close to this; the idea here being that group harmony overrides individual desires. I think this will be important when thinking about conflict between two people- for example, when someone does harm to another person or does something repeatedly to irritate them, the other person will probably show a higher threshold (compared to Americans) before confronting the harm-doer. But, this isn't even all true, because people here don't confront one another directly when conflict arises. Rather, they might use other family members as mediators, or friends even, who will then go to the other person and express their unhappiness with the situation. This is considered more respectful and dignified to do it this way. That's just a bit of what I'm thinking about right now.. I can share more later when it develops.

After the cultural values session, we walked home, rested, and had dinner again by our fabulous cook, Seda (I thought it was Sera, but it's Seda). She made some kind of beef roast with peas and potatoes. It was delicious. When we asked her about her beautiful dress, she told us that she has a friend who made it for her, and that she could have her make us clothes, too. And of course, this would be for a reasonable price, compared to tailor-made clothes in the US. Tomorrow, we will take a look at fabrics when we go to downtown Dakar. There are several markets there where they sell all kinds of things, including fabric. I can't wait! Finally, some shopping!!!!!

Sunday we've made plans to drive up to Lac Rose (the Rose Lake). It's name reflects the fact that it has a pink shimmer to it (apparently because of the high concentration of certain minerals). It's about an hours drive out of Dakar. We will also go to a very famous church service where the choir sings in French and Wolof. They sell cd's of their music- I'll pick one up. It's supposed to be delightful.

That's all I have for today. I have been trying to upload photos and videos to my blog, but I'm having some difficulties, so bare with me. Wish you well, and keep the comments/questions coming!

love,
Ryan

Thursday, May 22

2008-05-22T15:42:00.000-07:00

ahhh... nothing like a good shower to feel all better! haha.. I think blogging about showering will be a prominent theme in my writing.. it's THAT important here. By the end of the day, I have a sticky layer of dirt, sweat, and mosquito repellent, and when it is washed off, I feel like a fresh baby. But then I slap on some more mosquito lotion and the process starts all over again! hah! so much for that... but it's nice while it lasts. I shower at night so that I can wake up, eat breakfast, and go. And, it's gross to go to bed all sticky and stuff.

Today, we woke up at 8:30, had breakfast (again, baguettes and nutella, jam, etc.), and then we walked to the Baobob Center to begin our next set of neighborhood tours, except that today, we walked over to the neighborhood in which our permanent apartments are (it's called, Sacre Coeur, or 'sacred heart'). The Sacre Coeur neighborhood is much nicer than the neighborhood we were in for our first night. It's much more residential. And, the apartment is also better. Two of the boys in our group went to their family stays today, and the rest of us (me, Yemi, Armin, and Vicki) are sharing this new apartment. It's on the 4th floor, which is also the top floor, and it has a beautiful open balcony from which we can see the skyline of downtown Dakar. It's really beautiful. I wish you could all be here to enjoy this with me. When there's a breeze, and there are many up there, it's exquisite; a respite from the exhausting heat. I'll return to this later, after I describe the remainder of the day.

After our neighborhood tours--which, by the way, are really helping to gain a sense of direction here and familiarity in general--we returned to the Baobob center for our first Wolof language session. This was FUN! We will have 50 hours of training total over the next three weeks. They say that by the end of this time, we will speak better Wolof than many Senegalese! We'll see about that. It's an easier language to learn, supposedly. But, because it is so different, it's going to require a lot of rote memorization, and I gave that up years ago. So, I'm going to have to really work at this if I'm to learn it. Part of this is also learning a bit of Arabic, because this is mixed in to some of the greetings. For example, Asaala Malekum (peace be with you), is simply beautiful, I think. The greetings take 5 minutes in themselves.. they are very elaborate. First you wish them peace, then you ask how they are, then you ask how their family is, and then you thank god! And apparently that is just the beginning- there's much more that we haven't yet learned. I like the idea of this, but it would never swing in America, where 'time is money.' Too bad, though. It obviously facilitates a sense of community, and I think we yearn for that whether we're aware of it or not. Anyway, so after our Wolof lessons, we came back to the temporary apartment and had lunch. It was the Senegalese national dish ''cebu jen", which consists of fish, cous-cous, and various vegetables cooked with the fish. I wanted to try it, but it looked and smelled gross, so I didn't. But later, for dinner we had another kind of fish and it was prepared differently, so it neither looked or smelled gross- I ate that!!!!! and I enjoyed it!!!! Mom, aren't you proud? I ate every little last piece!

To answer some questions asked by my sister, Rachel: After lunch, we went back to the Baobob center and had a cultural values session. it was helpful. we'll have more of this tomorrow, along with more language lessons. In general though, not knowing Wolof hasn't hindered us. Most people do speak French, and I feel very comfortable with that right now. Rachel also asked about our cook, whose name is Sera. She was great- dinner was delicious tonight (a certain fish called "capitain"- it's unique to this region) and the dessert was so tasty.. fresh cut fruit salad (mango, apple, orange, papaya, melon... mmmmmm all sooooo fresh and yummy). Sera will cook for us at a small fee- for dinner, tonight, it was 3,200 CFA's (or, $8), but this included an appetizer, the main course (the fish was expensive because it's no longer as accessible- the Koreans and Chinese have been overfishing the Senegalese fishing spots for a few years, and because of this there is a shortage of fish), and dessert. Plus, she brought all the utensils, cleaned it all up when we were finished, and took her things home with her. I couldn't believe it. We also have a cleaning-woman, Nafi, who will come every two days to dust, etc. She will do our laundry once/week.

I think that is it for now. I'm getting sleepy. I wish I could write more about what I'm feeling right now, but all I feel capable of is descriptive recounting. I think things are just too new to report on. Suffice it to say, hopefully, that I'm very happy. And, things are going smoothly.

Please continue to send me your questions! My sister started this, and I liked getting them. It was a way for me to make a more direct connection with someone, and this is very good for me right now.

Love,
Ryan

delayed entry- May 21st

2008-05-22T13:12:00.001-07:00

Dear friends and family,

below is an entry that I made last night, but Dakar's electricity went out just before I was able to post it. I'll also enter one tonight, alhamdulilaay (Arabic for "god willing"):

What an interesting day.. we arrived at 5am; got to our apartment at 6; had breakfast (baguettes with nutella! my favorite!); slept until 1pm; had lunch (a woman cooks delicious Senegalese meals for us, in our apartment!), then walked over to the Baobob Center (this is the research center we're using), had an orientation session, and then took a tour of the neighborhood. It is different here- I can't add any adjectives.. it would just seem trite.. so, it's just different. Cars zooming by everywhere (mostly little yellow taxi's and VW Buses filled with 20 people; i.e., public transport), the occasional donkey with carriage, several little fruit stands and other goodies (e.g., religious iconography, electronics, shoes), and at every new block we reach a little boy approaches us for money (the story behind these boys: well, basically, according to tradition, many young boys are handed over to the care of spiritual teachers who then have the boys beg for money all day, and when they return, they receive their education; this is TRADITION, but Vicki- our professor- says that it's becoming more and more controversial because it's a tradition that may be getting taken advantage of by some men; there are traditional public schools, but unlike the U.S., it's not free, and of course, not everyone can afford it).

I'm disappointed only because I found out that our apartment does not have wireless access. So, I will be depending on cyber cafes mostly, but I may also be able to access wireless at the Baobob Center. And if I can, I will probably be able to use Skype there. But we'll see. Right now I just don't know.

I forgot just one thing: a towel! Not a problem, though. I just threw on some mosquito lotion after the shower and then my clothes.. now, 10 minutes later, I'm dry! I thought it would be obnoxious, but with these things I guess you just have to roll with it. And it's not such a big deal, but it does make me realize how many little "pleasures" I take for granted. Can I just say though how FANTASTIC it feels to be clean right now! I hadn't showered for two days (because of the early am flight, and then all day today) or brushed my teeth, and all the walking today in the humid heat didn't help matters.

By the way, the weather was in the low 80's today, but 95% humid (the locals said, "oh, you think this is humid?") -- it WILL get warmer.

Before the shower, I went to the cyber cafe that's just below our apartment. I sent a few emails, and tried to update this blog, but the power crashed! So, now I am back (the power came back on a little later), and I'm finishing what I started. Apparently that happens quite frequently-the power going out at night. But/and, people roll with it.

Other little bits--- after the first cyber cafe attempt, we (me, Scott, and Michael), came back to our apartment and there was a man squating with a pan full of cooked rice and meat. He wanted us to try his food, and we mimicked that we were full (none of us could think of the French word for this), but he insisted, and so we squatted with him and tried it.

It's 10pm now, and I'm exhausted. I would like to write more, but my brain is like Amy Winehouse, "Nooo, nooo, no." So for now, take this as evidence that I am alive and well. It's probably better this way, as I haven't really digested all of experiences from today.

Thanks for thinking of me today! Please continue to send me your good thoughts, and know that I am receiving them. Goodnight!

Ran out of time.. sorry!

2008-05-20T01:26:00.000-07:00

I have completely ran out of time to write a more detailed entry today. I have been finalizing preparations until just now (3:30am) and I need to leave my apt at 4:10am. Needless to say, I am TIRED! But/and, this will help me to sleep on the flight.

I hear the birds chirping already outside...

I'll write more when I get to Dakar.

peace.

2008-05-19T23:01:00.000-07:00

24 hours until my last posting in the US

2008-05-19T00:05:00.000-07:00

In 24 hours, I will be posting my last blog from the comforts of my bedroom- at least until mid-July. In 24 hours, I will have 3 hours before I'm at the airport. In 24 hours, I will be... what? I don't know, yet. I could be anxious, I could be excited, I could be tired, I could be... have I already exhausted the possibilities? Oh wait, no, there's FEAR! lol... Forgot about that one.. maybe that's a good sign. I met with my sponsor today and when she asked me if the fear was gone, I said that it was, at least for this end of the journey. I said that I feel like I'm waiting in the air terminal- any fear I may have is at the other end of the flight. But even then, I don't feel truthful saying that there IS fear. I'm ready.

I'm so god-damn cheesy- I just now put on Celine Dion so I could hear, "What do you say to taking chances? What do you say to jumping off the edge, never knowing if there's solid ground below, a hand to hold, or hell to pay; what do you say?" I'm feeling it, SISTER, I'm FEELING it! What do you say to grabbing life by the balls and squeezing the hell out of them? Sure, why not.

Today I paid my first month's rent and orientation and some food costs for Senegal. I also decided to take another bag so that I can fill it with goodies for the trip home. Gosh, that's really pretty much all that I did today! lol.. I had dinner with a friend, watched a movie, went to a meeting, and now I'm here, blogging. Oh yes, dinner! We ate at this Somali restaurant around the corner- it was soooooo good! And our waiter was just the sweetest boy. So sweet. It was interesting because originally we were going to walk to this Chinese place that's further down the street, but as we were passing this Somali restaurant, something in my mind clicked over and said, no, you're gonna eat here tonight. Almost as soon as we sat down, a huge group of Somali teens came in to dine. They were so beautifully proud and self-confident. All well dressed. And they displayed a connection to each other that mirrors the connection I have with my friends; it's like they were their own little army, just like we are our own little gay mafia that invades the Suburban Stepford wives' favorite restaurant every Friday night. There was cohesiveness; a magnetic force-field. Anyway, I appreciated it. And, I caught a glimpse of what it will feel like to be the only white guy. It didn't feel much different from being the only gay guy at times. In fact, it may have felt the same. But, like I said, that was just a glimpse- the real thing will probably be different. But maybe not so different. We shall see.

Ok, so that was today. I don't think I have anything else. I do want to capture my emotional state, though for future reflection. So, I'll do that. I think I touched on it earlier when I referenced the air-terminal feeling. This is not new, though. I've been feeling this way the past few days. It's kind of like feeling gray, but not in a melancholic way. Nope, gray as in "middle-space" or gray matter; just kind of neutral. I almost said numb, but I think that's also too clinical sounding. Maybe this is what it feels like to be present? Or absent? Wow, I always thought the two would feel different, but now I'm not so sure. Intellectually, being present and absent are obviously different; it's not difficult to imagine how they would feel different. But what is this feeling? I can't decide. My gut feeling is to say it's being present. My evidence of this is the very act of writing this blog. If I were absent, I wouldn't even be asking these questions. Ok, so there you have it. Whew, feelings are so complicated sometimes! Geesh..

Off to bed now... a demain!

Bon voyage par-tay!

2008-05-17T23:31:00.000-07:00

I just got in from a night out on the town with the boys. Actually, that was 30 minutes ago; I really just got done eating a bowl of Lehua Honey icecream (a Hawaiian honey- like butt-ah baby, butt-ah). And now, it's 1:30 am and I have 2 more hours before I go to bed.. If you recall, I am staying up until 4 ish every night now until I leave so that at 4am, Tuesday, I'll just put my bags in the car and go to the airport- no waking up and stumbling.. I hate that. There's nothing worse than waking up early. So this beats that problem, and I'll be able to sleep on the plane (normally I can't). Anyway, blah blah blah.

Back to my story about tonight- I had dinner with about 12 of my friends at Pizza Luce. They are amazing. I'm so blessed, really. I'm sad about not seeing them for 2 months. And I'm worried that this will be difficult because I've never done this before. I mean, when I went to Europe two years ago for 2 months, I was in a very different place then. For one, I hadn't formed as close of friendships with any of these people at that time. I was pretty well isolated- I did have friends, but not like now. I have more of them, and I'm used to seeing them several times a week. It's part of my routine. And I like my routine. I like being connected to them. So this will be hard I think. For another reason, two years ago at this time I simply wasn't in the same mental/emotional space I'm in now. I'm in a very good space right now, but then, all I wanted to do was run off to Europe and live some romanticized dream I had created for myself. But now, I feel like I have everything I need here. My mindset has changed as a result of working a program- before I wasn't really working a solid program, and I was suffering because of it. I didn't even WANT a program before (note, I'm referring to the 12 step program, but really you can also think of program=spirituality)- in fact, I had become so distant from it that I even began to believe I didn't need one. But I do need one, and I found this out about a year ago when life came crashing down around me. I guess to be precise about this though, I would have to say that my PERCEPTION of life came crashing down around me- life hadn't really changed. Basically, I was a dry drunk- like our president, Mr. Bush, and we know how un-pretty that is! I was pretty angsty to say the least. All of this is to describe how I'm feeling NOW about this experience, and how my state of being NOW is affecting how I perceive my upcoming trip to Senegal. In short, a very big part of me doesn't want to leave what I've gained in the last year- friendships, love, acceptance. But perhaps I'm being melodramatic about all this. It's not like I won't have internet or any other way of connecting with people. I did, afterall, just purchase unlimited Skype minutes! And, it's 2 months, not a lifetime. A-ha, I just had a realization about this- it's not the time or the fact of "leaving", but rather, being scared that I won't have them there with me when I encounter challenges to my serenity. A-ha! That is it. That is it exactly. But this is still relevant to everything that I've just said, and in fact, I think it makes a full circle here because what I've gained in the last year is the ability to depend on others in a way that I hadn't before. I've begun to practice the act of asking for help when it is needed and asking for things that I need. I've let down more of my barriers and become more vulnerable, and this in turn has strengthened my faith in, and love for, others. For some reason I've always thought that I needed to do for myself what others cannot do for themselves; that I needed to "figure myself out" and be my own "rock". For me though, what I've experienced lately is that I can be both things, or that rather, these two concepts are not separate- that in fact, for me, being my own "rock" means being able TRUST that others can do for me what I cannot do for myself. This is what works for me. Going to Senegal will be an opportunity to put that trust into motion so to speak and figure out how to maintain that without the routine that I'm so used to. So, if you're reading this, THANK YOU for this gift. It really is a gift- just like those VISA commercials, it's priceless. HAH! ok, I had to throw in sommmme humor. It was getting way too sentimental!

Ok, I think I've rambled enough... I'll go ahead and finish the rest of that icecream and then? Bed? It's almost 3am... I guess it's close enough.

A bientot mes amis! Je t'adore!

Baby I'm ready to go

2008-05-16T22:48:00.000-07:00

There's my tribute to Republica- the fantastic one or two hit wonder of the 90's. Remember? Well, I do. Good song. Anyway, the big date is just around the corner- 3 days to be exact. My friend Christopher will take me to the airport on Tuesday morning at 4am. Plane leaves at 7; 5 hour layover in NY, and then off to Dakar! We arrive in Dakar at 5am; program orientation starts at 1pm! HAH! I don't know how lively I'll be for that! Hopefully I'll get some sleep on the plane, though. I have a great plan- I've been staying up until 4am for the past several nights, so that when Monday night rolls around, it will be easy to do this, and that way I'll be exhausted for the plane ride, and I'll sleep like a baby. I also bought a really fun looking bug-eyed black eye mask to help with this. I'm not messing around!

Our first day of orientation will consist of basic Senegalese values and traditions, with a traditional fish lunch (I told them I'm allergic to fish, rather than having to decline any meals with fish and look like a prissy American- even though I am, apparently! I'm sorry, but I just don't like fish.. it smells. And it tastes like it smells. I'll definitely try it when I'm there, but only because it will be incredibly fresh, and I hear that fresh fish doesn't stank. After our first day, we'll have a few weeks of language instruction on Wolof. Most people there do speak French, but knowing some Wolof will make life easier. I'm excited about this. After this, I believe we're on our own, and we can really dive into our research.

I'll be staying in the Sacre Coeur district, a very nice neighborhood in Dakar, as we've been told. Four of us will stay in a 3 bedroom apartment, located on the fourth floor (READ: safe). I'll share a room with another guy, Armin (a Junior at the U of M studying biology), and then Yemi (also a Junior, majoring in Global Studies) will have her own room, and our professor, Vicki, will have the master bed. The two other students not mentioned (Michael and Scott; biology undergrad and Global Studies undergrad, respectively) will be staying with families. I'm really happy that our professor will be living with us. She has spent her career studying West Africa, and particularly Senegal. She is also incredibly supportive, underneath her brusque surface. I'll post pictures of all these people as soon as they're available so that you can have a good visualization to go along with my stories.

I think I'm as prepared as I'll ever be for this. I've practiced my interview protocol with a Senegalese woman (Kany) living in Minneapolis. She helped me immensely. And, of course, I also have to acknowledge my French tutor, Jamal, for helping me to translate the English version into French. This process resulted in several changes to the interview questions so that they became more focused. Originally, the French equivalents didn't evoke the same meaning behind the original question set in English. So, because of this, I now have an interview protocol that is more culturally valid than it was before, and that is important for this type of research.

In terms of packing preparation, I'm also completely ready. I've sprayed all of my clothes and the mosquito net with Permethrin (a POWERFUL) anti-bug/mosquito solution that lasts for up to 5 washings! I've also packed away all of the travel-ish items, such as the extra medicine (for colds, indigestion, etc.) and the water purifier. All I need to do is exchange the bunk portable alarm clock I purchased from Target (sorry, Target, but you disappointed me with this product). Also, as a way to show my gratitude for her generosity of time and spirit, I am taking some gifts to Kany's family that she purchased. In addition to helping me with my interview protocol, Kany had me over for dinner about a month ago to give me a taste of traditional Senegalese cuisine and company. It was really the sweetest thing- I didn't even know this woman, except that we shared a mutual acquaintance (my French tutor), but she opened her house and her social network to me. And now, when I arrive in Dakar, I will meet her family and deliver to them the gifts that Kany purchased, and more than likely be invited to spend dinner with them as well. The icing on this cake is that her sister, Naki, works for THE most famous Senegalese musician, Youssou Ndour (www.youssou.com), and she will probably introduce me or get me tickets to see him perform. TOO COOL! Anyway, check out his website- maybe you'll like the "mbalax" (umm-ba-lak) style of music!

I don't have much more to report right now, other than we will be arriving at the peak season for mangos, and apparently this is a very good thing! And, I love mangos, so there you have it. more later, friends.

And now... (drum roll please..)

2008-05-13T22:41:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the Juice Buzz, where you will find all the latest, juiciest, and buzz-worthy news in the life of Ryan Gonzalez.

I am Ryan Gonzalez and this is FREE entertainment at its finest! And trust me on this, anything I put my hands on, or thoughts around, becomes entertaining by default. Only crazy people can work this kind of magic! So whether you're craving passion, desire, optimism, OR melancholy, fear, and insecurity, you'll find it all HERE! Yes, folks, it's true. Start reading the sometimes tragic, sometimes fantastic, but always honest-to-God TRUE stories and sentiments of R.G.