I met Billy at 10 to go to the gym, and we had an awesome 2 hour stint of lifting and cardio. After that I stopped on my way home to get a "congrats graduate" card for my friend, Philip, who has just completed his BA, and who was throwing a celebration party this night.
I got home from that and started a load of laundry. Then, I got on MSN Messenger to see if any friends were on. At first, no one was, but then Ali, my friend from Istanbul who let me stay with him and his wife for 2 weeks (2 years ago), signed on and we began a video cam conversation. It was great seeing him- I hadn't seen or talked to him in probably a year. Since then, he has had a baby boy, Atakan, with his wife, Emine. We had a short chat, and then Louis, from Senegal, called me, and I took his call. We talked for a bit, but then I had to get ready for Philip's graduation party.
When I arrived at the graduation party, I was about 2 hours late (well, not late, because really it was one of those "open house" type things), and there were about 15 people left. Supposedly 70 people had already come and gone. I was actually happy about this, as I wasn't feeling particularly social to begin with.
I stayed at the party for a few hours, and then decided to come home rather than go out to the bars with the guys. I'm not sure why the bars weren't appealing. I think I had already met my daily social quota.
I'm not sure where any of this is going, other than to bring me up to the present point. Now, I am in bed writing this blog and feeling like I have so much to say and not knowing where to begin, or what I feel comfortable sharing. It was easier in Africa because everything there was completely separate from my life here. But here, I feel like anything that I could write about in my blog could just as easily be written in, and may be more appropriate for, my journal. But then again, a big part of why I decided to keep this blog alive even after my trip to Africa was because I saw that it was an opportunity for me to share (and explore) a different, perhaps more intimate, side of myself.
That being said, I keep realizing that it has been a month and some days since I've been back in the US. It feels like it's been much longer, which is strange to me because I've been working hard since I've been back, and one would think that time wouldn't feel so long. But it has.
When I returned from Senegal, I had to help finalize a manuscript (which we submitted and was accepted to the journal, Self and Identity), do some data-analyses and create a symposium application for an upcoming conference, and begin recruitment efforts for the conflict-resolution study I've been preparing for years with my advisor, Marti. So you can see, there's been no time to sit around on my laurels, and yet the past month feels like a much larger chunk of time. I don't know what to make of this. I know one thing, though: I'm beginning to feel some pressure to stabilize and finish my graduate program so that I can move on to other things.
My feelings toward school have always been bipolar- I can love it one day, and hate it the next. Sometimes I love and hate it within the same day. The love comes up when I think about my work in Africa. The hate comes up when I realize how confused I am with my program and with not knowing what the next best course of action should be. Specifically, I am faced with the dilemma (for lack of a better word) of continuing what I did in Africa and trying to develop a dissertation idea from that (which could require more travel to, and research in, Africa) and choosing a topic that has already been handed to me (basically) but that I have no real interest in at all. If I choose the former, I can pretty much guarantee a graduation date past 2010 (which was my initial date of graduation (going by the popular "six year plan"). If I choose the latter, however, I can probably collect data faster and be out of here faster. But, like I said, I have no real interest in the latter. I mean, it's interesting, but I can't see myself spending hours and hours of concentration and effort to advance it. So that is one part of the dilemma; the other part is that I don't even know if it's possible to create a dissertation idea from the stuff I did in Senegal. I had hoped, from the very beginning, that it would be possible. Now, however, in the face of reality and the expectations held by my department, I'm just not sure it's wise to take the less traveled course.
shit, my eyes are falling asleep. I want to write more about all this, and I will, but for now, I have to shut my eyes and get to sleep.
