a quick addendum to yesterday's post

ok, so I realized later, after posting yesterday's account of Assane asking me about men and women, that I should be more clear about the WAY he asked, and why I responded the way that I did. I want to do this so that you don't think the worst.

So, yesterday, when he asked me if I wanted to find a man, he didn't ask it maliciously. And, I know this because there had been several days between him seeing my email inbox (with the gay.com announcement) and yesterday, and he had not treated me any differently. In other words, he must have been thinking about this during that time, but he didn't treat me any differently, which tells me that he would probably be sympathetic. This doesn't mean he would understand it completely, and I wouldn't expect him to, but it does mean that he wouldn't have malicious intent- this, I believe.

The second time he asked me about women, it was again, non-confrontational. I think he's genuinely curious to know more- that's all. He's probably had several encounters and friendships with Westerners as a result of working with the Baobab Center, and because of this, he's probably more receptive to understanding than others who have not had these kinds of encounters.

But don't worry- I'm not going to act fast on this matter. I'm asking the Universe right now what is best to do. What purpose am I here to serve, and is this part of it? Ultimately, this will guide my next steps.

It was informative already to reflect on my reaction to Assane's questions, because if you recall, I was kind of pissed at first. I was really confused about this; it's not like Assane asked me in a rude way- in fact, he did it in the best way possible considering the circumstances. But it caught me off-guard, nonetheless, and I think it's because it simply reminded me too much of junior high, when these sorts of questions were all over the place.

Junior high was a horrible time for me. I was overweight, and I had maroon-colored hair cut in the popular mushroom style of the times (long on top, shaved on the sides). My inspiration was what's her face from the tv show, My so-called Life, and my brother's hippie girlfriend at the time. I wore a leather necklace that hung down my chest with an inch-sized fish dangling at the end. I had a valley-girl accent (do I still?) and my social network consisted of girls only. So, of course, it was common to be asked the question, "Hey, are you gay or what?" And, as you can imagine for someone at that age, this was like the doomsday question- no matter what I answered, I was fucked either way. Even if I said no, I'm not gay, I knew they wouldn't believe it, and that it wouldn't end the questioning. I knew that it would only bring more ridicule, either way.

So it is with these memories that I shot back at Assane with, "And you, do you want a man?" I didn't realize this until last night after I had journaled. It made me kind of sad, actually, that I could be so susceptible to those memories even 15 years later. Now I'm ok with it, and I realize it was just an automatic response- a sort of learned, internalized defense. The good news is that I don't have to let that control what I choose to do from here. I can choose to be honest, if I want to be, and open to Assane's curiosity, in a dignified, loving way.