delayed entry, but still celebrating!

I finally have internet again, after an extended time of being without it. I will be so relieved when we finally get legitimate service (which, supposedly, will be tomorrow, but I'm not counting on it until I see it). So, for today, I'm simply going to post what I would have posted yesterday. In fact, I had almost finished and posted the entry below when the internet snapped off! It was incredibly frustrating, but hey, it's stolen internet, so what can I expect?
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We spent today at the park and zoo eating and lounging under the shade. Michael, one of the students living with a host family, invited us to come with him and his family to one of their picnics. They purchased a sheep, had it skinned and cut up into manageable parts, and they brought the rest with them to the park site. We sat under the shade while two of them cut the sheep parts into even smaller bits, and two more sliced onion after onion. The father made a milk drink that was basically soured milk with lots and lots of sugar. The consistency was milky, with chunks of yogurt-ish stuff---- it was delicious!!!!!!!! I had several servings.

There were two kids, Mohamed (7 years old) and Ishmael (toddler). They were both adorable, of course. Ishmael didn't speak a word, but his face lit up with smiles every time he was spoken to. Mohamed was full of energy, and very intelligent. He wanted to take a picture, so I let him. And then I basically said goodbye to my camera for the remainder of the afternoon! He was off to the races with that camera. He took photo after photo, and to my surprise, they were all fabulous. I couldn't have done a better job- in fact, I know I wouldn't have because I wouldn't have thought to take pictures of the things he did, which were, succinctly, ordinary things like people sitting and talking. I'll be sure to post them.

After eating the sheep, we walked over to the zoo. It was pretty standard, although it was unique in that it had 6 lions! I've only ever seen 2 at a zoo. They also had hyenas, and I've never seen those before (and, by the way, they're really adorable! They've got these beautiful puppy-dog eyes... Janie, you would have wanted to take one home). Their facilities weren't that great, in fact, they were a bit depressing, but what zoo isn't depressing? It was particularly bad for the monkeys- they were in very small quarters, and they did not appreciate visitors. I found this out after one of them threw a load of fresh poop at me. Thankfully it only hit my leg, but it was on skin, so that was gross. Armin about shit his pants laughing- and I laughed, too. It was really pretty funny.

After a long day of lounging around, we hitched a cab back home and had some dinner. I finished it off with a crepe filled with nutella and bananas. I am still stuffed!

When dinner was over, I went online and discovered your wonderful blog comments. They are so touching, really. And indeed, you're right, YOU ARE taking this journey with me. I am not alone, and I know this. I think about this throughout the day.

All of this makes me feel overly sentiment tonight, because today is my 4 year anniversary from quitting the drugs and booze. 4 years ago, I was at a party, reflecting on my first week of being in the outpatient treatment program, and I had a beer in hand. But when I finished it, I thought to myself how empty it felt. Yes, the can was empty, certainly, but my stomach felt bloated, and I didn't even have a buzz. And I thought, why am I doing this? What's the point anymore? I felt defeated- I knew I could continue to drink, but what would be the point of just drinking beer if it never made me drunk, and I certainly didn't want to get drunk from vodka or anything else because I already knew that no longer did anything good for me either (only blackouts, wetting the bed, and a three day hangover that made me want to die because at least then I wouldn't have to feel the pain in my stomach and head- not to mention the agony of trying to piece together the events of the previous evening and always knowing that I would likely owe someone profuse apologies). In other words, I was at a dead-end, and I knew it. So when I finished that last beer, I went home and committed myself to not drinking for the remainder of my time in the outpatient program (it was a 30 day program). I had nothing to lose, and if I didn't like it, I could always return to drinking at the end of the program. Thankfully I didn't. The rest, as they say, is history.

Four years later, I feel just as crazy and confused as ever, but rationally, I know this is only partially true. Everyone's crazy and confused to some extent, so, GOOD. That part is settled. However, I have something now that I never had before: HP (i.e., Higher Power). Well, yes, I had it before, I just didn't know it; kind of like Dorothy (if you didn't chuckle, I did!). I won't get too much into God stuff, because you each have your own experiences anyway. Actually... that's all I want to say about it. I think the Big Book says it best:

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."

This passage pretty much sums up the past four years, and it will continue to work for me as long as I continue to work for it. That being said, I haven't mastered this program by any stretch of the word, and at times (sometimes too frequent), all of those old "things" (e.g., self-pity, insecurities, fear) pop right back up. But, that's why I have this program- so I can cut them right back down and live a life worth living. And today, I am struck with awe and gratitude that I am here, in Senegal, doing something that I NEVER thought I would be capable of doing. The old voice would tell me that, "this is the kind of stuff reserved for those other people, not for people like me. This is the kind of work reserved for people of courage and strength, not for someone like me." And yes, that old voice pops up almost every day, especially now that I am finally here. This, to me, is the disease of alcoholism. And, to me, this is equally deadly as taking that first drink, because if I were to listen to that voice, regardless of whether I chose to drink, if I listened to that voice I would surely NOT be living. I might be alive and sober, but if I listened to that voice, I would die a spiritual and emotional death. And for me, that would be worse than picking up the bottle or the pipe.

Wow- I didn't realize I had all that to say! Must have been a God thing. That's alright. I'm cool with that. Hmm.. I don't know what else to say.. I think I'm done for the evening. Blessings to all of you, and thanks for sharing another day with me.